FINALLY – SPAIN!!!

She checked for her passport and boarding pass for the hundredth time as she waited for the boarding call of her flight. It was not because she might have misplaced it in the bustling airport, but rather because she couldn’t get herself to believe she was actually going to Spain!!! It looked so surreal….

Reaching here had been a long journey. After her initial doubts, she decided to go for it. She would have loved to go alone on this adventure, but wasn’t brave enough. Luckily her friend; who had initially suggested the trip, hadn’t been to Spain and was free to join her. She was thrilled. Her relationship with this friend had the amazing balance of intimacy and non intrusion. She was happy that she had the perfect company for the trip. 

Planning for the trip turned out to be such fun. They both decided on when to go, which places to visit, where would they stay, their mode of travel and so on. All she had read about in that book of hers was Andalucía. But there was so much to see in Spain, that she couldn’t limit herself to that one place. But choosing was tough – Spain has exotic beaches, mountains, old towns, metropolitan cities, islands and almost everything in the geographic and cultural range. And they had only 10 days to see it all. After a month of discussion, they could finally decide on which places to visit. They had chosen the Easter holidays to go there – the perfect time to be there, as Easter celebrations in Spain were spectacular. With her tickets and visa done, all she had to do was tell the rest of the world.

She did not let anyone know of her plans. Maybe she didn’t want to explain everyone about her dream, maybe she already knew the protest her parents would raise, maybe she was expecting people to question her….Mostly it was because she wanted to keep this experience close to her heart. She wanted it to be perfect. But getting away from the rest of the world for 10 days seemed quite difficult. She had to tell her parents and close friends – they would be anxious if they do not receive that everyday call. It took quite a lot of convincing that she would be safe and Europe wouldn’t really eat her up. She had to apply for a leave from office – which seemed impossible without stating reason for leave. Finally when she did tell her about her trip – she was showered with blessings and good advices. It felt good but was also embarrassing – she wasn’t good with handling that kind of attention. But finally it was all over. 

She packed carefully – all her best clothes, good pair of shoes, light winter wear (it was hot summer in India, but websites said it would be chilly in Spain – wow!!), camera, a notebook to record events, and also some food (for times when she might miss India). She was so excited she even took a photograph of the shy and smiling taxi driver helping with her bags, once she reached the airport. She loitered around the airport, willing time to go faster and get her to her destination soon.

The boarding call for her flight was announced. As she queued up for boarding, she was hit with a fresh volley of doubts – what was she doing, why was she taking such risks as going to a totally unknown place, was it worth all that money, what if she didn’t have a good time….She stopped this train of thought before it occupied her entire mind. It was 2 am, and she was tired of all that excitement. She couldn’t get herself worked up with all the doubts anymore. She looked forward to some sleep during the nine hour flight to Paris, where she would take another connecting flight to Madrid.  

Madrid!!!.... She couldn’t stop smiling…..

                                                                   To be continued….

A BREAKTHROUGH

Things were going really bad. Especially, when she compared everything to how they were six months ago. She was 25 years old and life had been perfect six months ago. After having procured the kind of education she had wanted, she took up a job in a kind of place where she learnt many things but more importantly she was respected and loved by her colleagues and mentor. She had great friends with whom she shared amazing times. She had started hiking with a group and the experience had been liberating for her. To top it all, she was in love – with the perfect guy. She never had been happier or more confident in her entire life. She felt she was living the life she had always wanted to…Well at least for a while.

Lately things had started taking a bad turn. Work and projects were not moving in the right direction as work. She missed her mentor who had moved to a different department. Just like her friends – who all got transferred to different cities. And love…well it brought out emotions in her like jealousy, possessiveness and doubt; emotions she thought she didn’t have. She didn’t like it a bit – the kind of person she was becoming. 

Yes, things were not going well at all. As she was chatting with her childhood friend, she complained about it, and how she felt. Her very wise friend, instantly prescribed a break – a holiday at a new destination, even gave some suggestions of places to go – UK, Europe, etc.  Her first reaction was that she could never get away from work, and an overseas trip meant big bucks down the drain to her. But as she walked home that evening, she thought about it again. Yes, it would really be nice to get away from everything. The idea began to excite her – to go to some place completely different from where she lived. It sounded like an adventure. 

She got to chat with her friend again about the idea, and they discussed about locations where she could go. Suddenly it came up, the name, the one place she had wanted to be most, but had completely forgotten over years of trying get to the place where she was now. Spain. How had she forgotten how long time dream? She had the money as well as the freedom to go there, yet it hadn’t crossed her mind till then.  It no longer was an impossible dream. To think that she could actually be there, got her immensely happy.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. It needed an entire mindset change for her – she had never done anything that bold before. She also had other things to think of – with whom would she go, was it safe to go alone (which she badly wanted to do), what would her family say about spending that kind of money, would her office give her a leave for such a reason, is it really necessary or worthwhile to spend that much, etc. All these doubts ensured that they stopped her from taking a decision. But just that thought that if she really wanted – she could go, anytime, made her feel so free and immensely happy. She didn’t feel like wasting time thinking of her troubles - they felt so puny and boring in front of this idea. Her mind was more attracted towards this trip – if she decided to go for it. 

Should she go for it?

                                                                            To be continued….

AN IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

It was a typical Mills and Boons book which did it. The story was cute and romantic with the usual rich, dark, handsome guy falling for the cute, pretty, accomplished gal. It was dreamy; definitely something which would impress a 13 year old girl. But what got her starry eyed was not the passionate love story. Yes, she did believe in those fairy-tale-like love stories and hoped she would find her true love, not necessarily rich. But what remained etched in her mind after reading the book was the location – vibrant and magnificent Spain.

 She read with excitement as the author described the rugged terrains of Andalucia with its warm clear climate and the high mountains. As she read about the haciendas, she imagined palatial mansions laced with blooming creepers, flanked by stables, training arenas and huge grounds and woods on all sides. She was fascinated with Granada, the jewel of Andalucia. She imagined having a romance in those colorful lanes, walking along the magnificent parks and walkways of Alhambra breathing in the fresh air. She wondered if the spectacular Sierra Nevada looked just as the picture in her mind. 

She created images of the dark, rugged and mysterious people and wondered how they lived. As she read through the book, she imagined every detail – the place, the people, the food, the culture, the clothes, their language. She would often call upon those images of the Spain she created, to keep her company at times of boredom or despair. It became her dream – to actually see those places she had read about and imagined in her mind – an impossible dream.

Why? Well her world was very different. She lived in a simple neighborhood, in a modest city in the South of India. Some of her friends had never heard of Spain or the word ‘Aliens’. In all of her 13 years of existence she had never stepped out of her city, except to visit her grandparents in the village. She had never flown in an aircraft in her life. Her future was all chalked out in front of her – study well, go to college, get a job, get financially stable. There was no space for dreams in that world.

Yes, Spain was an impossible dream for her. So she kept it close to her heart; never sharing it with anyone. She never did any research or tried to look at pictures or description of Spain. She wanted to cherish the images she had created just as they were, untarnished with reality. This was her romance.

Will this dream ever come true for her?

                                                                                    To be continued…..

OPERATION ACTION

This corny phrase has been coined by my dear husband while we were searching a name for my new project. This project is my new ambition. The project took shape a week ago, when I wrote the “two year itch”. It was correctly said by some – writing gives you clarity of thoughts. Well, I came up with some brand new goals and dreams. Some of them are aiming quite high J, they would really need a lot of work in years to come. Am really happy with my project – it is big, juicy and quite challenging. It will make my time worthwhile, and finally I feel that I am going somewhere. 

Well I agree we could have done better with the name. But it was the only one which stuck among all the other important sounding ones. Maybe because it was so apt to my project. My project is all about action – it is about getting things done – about making progress. But mostly it is about personal excellence. I chose those areas in my life where I want to excel and Operation Action is my action plan for getting there!!!

A small part of this project is about writing ….and cooking. These are the only two things which have remained in my ever changing lists of interests since childhood. This is as close to being passionate about something I could get. Hence they become an important part of my project. Also these two things would balance my goals in Operation Action, they will give the lighter touch to the other heavy duty stuff. 

My goal is to cook a new recipe everyday….and write a post here in this blog everyday!!! Am sure you are reminded about the film – Julie and Julia? The film starring Meryl Streep and Amy Adams, where Amy plays the role of Julie who takes up a project of cooking through the famous cookbook by Julia Child (Meryl Streep) in one year, and records her progress in her blog. Well this movie was the inspiration behind this goal. However unlike Julie, my blog would not be about the cooking or Julia or about the progress I am making. It would be just some thoughts, a few memories and general stuff in my head. It would need too much discipline (which I do not have) to write about one specific area.

Operation Action is already in motion. The writing and cooking goals are in progress too. You would have noticed the writing part by now. So keep a look out here for some new things…and wish me the best in my endeavors. It’s the beginning of a new journey.

THE UNEXPECTED WHEN YOU ARE DONE EXPECTING

(Perfunctory warning: this is way too serious)

When you are expecting, everyone either talks about pregnancy or the baby. There are numerous advice, warnings as well as cute little memories they share with you. But no one tells you about the period after your baby is born. After all each person experiences it very differently.

In my case – I was devastated. Truly. I had never been incapacitated before. I was tired due to what my body had undergone in the nine months and the sleepless nights weren’t helping. Every inch of my body hurt and it was a huge attempt to just move. I was so depressed that I could see literally myself sinking down the pit. It was made worse by everyone’s obvious elation to see the baby. I was surrounded by family and friends but never felt so lonely or lost before. In addition to that, I would feel so guilty for feeling low at a time like this – when the much awaited baby is finally in my arms. It was supposed to be a happy occasion. I had imagined I would be smiling and jumping around in joy. I had seen others doing it when their baby was born. But not me – all I could do was grimace with pain and despair.

Nobody could understand how I feel, as I couldn’t express myself clearly. Every time I opened my mouth – to ask for help or support – it would invariably become something else – a complaint or whine. I imagined that my family was looking at me with accusing eyes – they seemed to be asking me – “why cant you enjoy with you baby”.

I was afraid of my tiny baby. She seemed like this tiny, delicate, alien thing which needed care but I felt incapable to do anything. It didn’t help that the baby didn’t seem to differentiate between me and anyone else – with the only exception being that she would cry her heart out when I would pick her up. It made me feel so inadequate – as if the baby knew that I was not a good and caring mom.

I didn’t know that it was medical in nature – everything I was going through. I finally got a breakthrough with the help of a friend and a doctor. Post partum depression can be very debilitating. It lasted for almost 3 months. Three months of pain, tiredness, depression and confusion. I understood that this is not a big deal – this depression happens to many, and it eventually fades out. But the damage it did to my self esteem and confidence is tremendous. For a person who was fiercely independent, I had become this person who could not think on her own and had to take other’s advice for everything. Taking simple decisions became the most agonizing task. The extent of the damage was so much that I am still putting together the shattered pieces of my self esteem. Its been 8 months now, and I am finally beginning to see the bright light. I am still just a fraction of the person I was before, but I am patient. I know it will take time, but I will come out a better person.

Now that I look back I see that the whole experience didn’t have to be this way. I think things would have been better if -

-  I knew about the physical pain and tiredness which would come in after giving birth – I would have tried to rest without feeling guilty.

- I would have taken time to know how to take care of myself and baby. I should have prepared for it and focused on it instead of the depression.

- I knew that babies cry and do not sleep in the initial few weeks. That it was ok, and that babies are stronger than we imagine.

- I had sought medical counseling right in the beginning, so that I could have handled it better.

          - People around me would not have kept telling me how their times and experience was different – that they only remember enjoying with their baby and it was so easy for them.

          - I had my closest people around me rather than those who were available. Despite their care and attention, I felt pressure to act normal and fine while all I wanted to do was scream.

          - I could share with others how I felt without feeling guilty – so that I could have got their support. I needn’t have done this all alone.

          - I could break some of the Indian post partum traditions and just could have got out and done things to cheer myself up.

I write this not to complain about post partum times or about how bad it was. This was my way to get it all out of my system. After all the safest time to write about an experience is when it is over and done with.

THE UNEXPECTED WHILE EXPECTING

Pregnancy is one of the most exciting and the most trying of times. It is because you can never be prepared enough for it. However, I did not know that. I was one of those people who wanted pregnancy to be perfect. Hence, I read all the popular and traditional literature, registered in sites and kept in close touch with the doctor. But I had so many unexpected experiences, that I had to write about it. 

My first experience of pregnancy was the tiredness. I would get up in the morning feeling like I have been on a tough trek in the night. This was the only time that I outdid my husband in how much I sleep. The best part of this stage was that I knew deep within me, that something is different in my body. I believe in my instincts quite a lot and I knew what was happening even before the doctors result came in. It was quite an exhilarating feeling. I felt as if I had won a lottery or the first prize in an event in school. It was absolutely amazing….as long as it lasted.

And lasted it did for just a few days. Then set in the tastelessness. I had heard of nausea and all that. But no one talks about the disabled taste buds. Nothing would taste good, not even pizza or chaat or even my favorite – eggs. I started to wonder if I would ever know the flavor of food. I just could not eat, and each meal time would make me anxious – how will my baby get nutrition if I do not eat? One has to experience this to know what I am talking about. Thankfully that stage was over pretty soon; to be followed by advices from every source.

There was so much abundance of advice and care around me, that I never felt the need of my parents J. Everyone would be giving me some absolutely great advice or something completely useless. The best part it all was that they were quite contradicting each other. Don’t climb stairs – climb stairs everyday, don’t eat this- eat this, don’t read books- read a lot of books, don’t take advice – heed our advice…etc. As an observer, I had tremendous fun listening to it all. People who never spoke to me, would be suddenly showing so much care and attention. It was nice to see that the new life inside me was being so loved and taken care of before it was born. Trust me, nothing..absolutely nothing attracts the care of people (even strangers) more than the sight of a full blown pregnant lady.

The biggest unexpected experience was the change in me – emotionally and physically. Hormones played havoc in my body. Physically I was a mess – my body became huge including even my feet which hurt everyday due to my weight, my face was covered with pimples, my skin was dry and scabby…where was the pregnancy glow people were talking about? The only thing that glowed was my hair – due to all the dietary supplements J. But I have never been much bothered about how I look. How I felt  -  was an entire different area. I had the most violent mood swings. I started hating my favorite people and fought with them all the time. I felt angry with all my family and friends. Only the company of strangers felt good. The only person I could stand was my mother. My love and appreciation for her grew so much. After all she had to go through all this to have me. She was my pillar of support in this phase. 

Well, by the time I was fully pregnant with a huge football size belly, I had started to feel that I have been pregnant my entire life. Nine months is a short time, but when you are double your size and walking like a duck, it can seem very long – or maybe it is because of the wait for the exciting times ahead. 

If anyone asks me now – would you like to be in that stage again – I would definitely say a big YES. I just couldn’t stop smiling while writing this down. It is quite a strange experience to know that you have almost been an entirely different person for those nine months. But it also an exhilarating experience too. I think everyone should try this out J

THE TWO YEAR ITCH

I am sure you wouldn’t have heard of this before. That’s because I coined the term – the two year itch, just a few moments ago. This is the story behind the term.

I have been quite restless since a few weeks. So uneasy, that it was evident in my previous post and a few people pointed it out to me. Hence I decided I should do something about it. 

This is what I did – I sat down to think. I emptied my mind of all trivial things, memories and judgments. I thought really hard….Why am I restless? But nothing happened. No profound epiphany happened. I didn’t  give up. I took a sheet of paper and started writing about how I was feeling. I thought it would give me clarity. I penned down a few lines before I had a sudden realization. I had done this before. This wasn’t the first time I have been writing those words. In fact this was not the first time I felt like that. There was an uneasy resemblance to something which I couldn’t remember. There was only one way out. I brought out my old diary, where I had stored inspiring thoughts from inspiring books and movies. And then I found it. The two year itch; the restlessness which came to me every alternate years in different forms, but still the same. And I had written it all down in the diary- all my hopes, fears and action plans; an attempt to inspire myself.

This itch, as I call it is a strange kind of feeling – an emptiness inside me. It is a question – what is the purpose, what am I doing in my life, is it good enough? It all started when I achieved all my childhood dreams and goals. Everyone has them – you know-  travel to a new country, get a great job, money, clothes, house, and education, find the love of your life (not in that order though), etc….. Well I fulfilled them all. Suddenly there was nothing else to do. Nothing to strive or work hard for. Somewhere in the process of becoming an adult I had stopped having new dreams. Nothing looked even half as important or challenging as the childhood goals. I wonder why.

All this is too philosophical for a 30 year old mum, taking care of her baby alone. There is just no time to even breathe. But these thoughts, this restlessness still creeps into my mind. When I look back, I had taken up a new activity every time I had felt this way – trekking, baking, designing clothes, etc. The easiest way out was to work. Work takes up all time and mind space, and I always turned to it in times of confusion and distress. But these activities do not have the appeal or challenge like the activities I did as a youngster – like working hard to get into a good college. 

I do not know what would make me feel differently. Maybe it is good to feel this way. This will keep me going, help me learn and experience new things, aim higher and keep me going. I trust my mind and I think it is telling me to get some action. Now I have to go back to being a child, and find myself some fat, juicy, impossible looking, important goals. That should be a good cure for now.