WOMEN OF SUBSTANCE

I am not a feminist, not that I know what it really means. I think there are fundamental differences in each sex and vaguely understand the possible reasons. Maybe it helps the society maintain an order and eases its operation through division of labor - Women take care of house and children while men work outside and generate finances. This arrangement suited life for everyone many many years ago. But not anymore. This so called division of labor has become something else. It has led to the oppression of women at a very deep rooted level. It has reduced woment to the status of an inanimate thing in the house - which has its purpose and use but no one cares how it exists or asks its opinions or think about it. They do not have any power over themselves - power to make decisions or stand up for their own.  They do not even have the power to chose and do things for their own children - like how much to educate, when and whom should they marry their children etc.

The question which keeps troubling me is not about equality or equity. I just wonder that for someone who contributes so much to a family and society, the respect and power a women gets is pathetic. I am talking about most women in India - not the tiny population who get educated and work and have freedom to live their life the way they want to. But the financial and emotional independence she achieves is at new costs - they are constantly under the scanner - for either being too ambitious and not caring enough for her family or for sacrificing her career and focusing on her family. She faces fire from all sides. The situation often makes me feel desperate and delusional. A midst these thoughts, one day I came across this book - A Space of her own -a collection of stories of incredible women - who make it all the worth.

The book tells us stories of 12 women collated by Leela Gulati. 12 ordinary women, facing extreme oppression through their life, create extraordinary lives for themselves and their families. Most of these stories is set between 1920-1980; a time when India was still struggling to settle down as an independent country. There was no time and attention given to women and their upliftment - It was a time when women were considered best in the kitchen and silent. They didn't have any power or voice to their own lives and opinions. They lived a life of servitude. Set in such times, these women have broken all traditions, went abroad to study and work, chose their own life partners, remarried as divorcees or widows, some even remained single all their lives - but mainly  they lived the way they wanted to. These were working women, despite having children to take care of and made tremendous impact on the society. They were passionate about progress and freedom, and created a better future for other women. Here are some examples of what these women have achieved.

Radharani was widowed at 13 and forced by her mother to follow the strict rituals of a widow like eating only once a day and wearing the white cloth, while being complete de-sexed with chopped hair and no jewelry or makeup. Whom did she get her hope but from her mother - in - law, who took her in and gave her all the opportunity to develop and grow. Self educated and well read, Radharani’s poetry was published in major literary magazines in 1920s and she had built a reputed career as a writer, from her mother in law’s house. She remarried when she was 28 at a time when it was considered to be the greatest sin which would haunt the family for generations. Why even when her daughter got divorced decades later, it was blamed on the widowed mother’s remarriage. Radharani went on to become a famous literary person, who not only impressed people in India but also abroad. She traveled extensively through Europe. She did all this through grit and determination, standing strong against the criticism and oppression she faced from all around the society, even her own mother. She taught the same to her children. Her daughter was the famous Nabneeta Sen Dev, who did her masters from Harvard and is a distinguished writer in the international circuits. She has won several awards both Indian and International. She achieved all these despite being divorced because of the help and support provided to her by her mother Radharani. This was all happening at a time when most female population in India was barely getting primary education. Quite inspiring I say..

Vina Mazumdar - she recollects her mother giving her a very valuable piece of advice - “If you see yourself, your husband and  your children as the boundaries of your concerns, the older you grow you will find your mind becoming smaller. Remember you are a part of a privileged generation, you are receiving education for which women in the rest of the country have to struggle for years”. Her mother, married at 11, had under the guidance of her sister in law and her husband, self educated herself at home along with managing the huge joint family house. Another case when Vina was consumed with confusion and guilt for not being able to do justice to her two major responsibilities -  being a mother and a professional university teacher, her father gave her a very wise viewpoint which helped her a lot in future. “ You are trying to balance only between your responsibilities as a mother and as a teacher. There is a third factor - if you introduce it, you will see the equation will resolve itself. This country has made a major investment in your education. Never mind the fact that the money came from me, it was still this poor country’s contribution. Do you have the right to waste that investment?”. These valuable advice and words of wisdom have haunted me since the day I read the book. They are so true, not only in the 1950s when this was all happening but even today when the world has moved on so much. I cannot believe this was coming from a generation - where the women got married as children, never had any formal education and never stepped out of the house. Makes me wonder what are we women of the 21st century doing? What wonders or miracles are we performing in our privileged lives?

The book talks about a woman who was married at age of 12 and took control of her new home consisting of huge joint families. How did she have the courage and knowledge required to manage such a big household at such a tender age. She was Vijaya Mehta’s mother. Vijaya Mehta herself was the legendary stage performer who has ruled the Maharashtra field of theater for a long time, setting the standards high. She joined theater when she was 18, in the 1940s : even before India had achieved independence, here was a women asserting hers. Her mother - in- law was Durga Khote - the famous and inspiring actress. Durga was widowed at a very young age, and became the sole breadwinner with the family having lost its fortune overnight. She joined films ignoring the social humiliation she faced for this decision. But she built a career for herself in the films, educated her two sons well and managed to have a comfortable life for herself when she retired. This was at a time when motion and sound pictures were still a new thing in India.

There were other stories which were extremely sad and set in difficult times - made difficult by people and their tiresome, irrelevant traditions rather than circumstances. These are accounts we all know of - how girls education is passed over, child marriage, child widows and their treatment, life of serving the husband and his family, treatment faced by family and sometimes own children, etc. I do not want to recount these tales but would assert on the courage and will of these women who have faced these difficulties and have come out shining and an inspiration to us.

I would say I am a changed person after learning about these persons. I no longer just crib about the society and its role in women oppression. The oppression does exist, but there are so many who have gone and just done what they want and the society still continues. In fact it has become better due to their endeavors. This gladdens my heart and inspires me to be among those women who made a difference. A toast to those women of substance!!!

THE RIGHT CHOICE?

“And it would be great if she has an off beat job....not a routine one but one which involves going to nice exotic locations”, said Raj. Shailu laughed at him. There were discussing the kind of girls suitable for him. Though friends from childhood, they had never come upon this topic untill recently, when he had started to feel that he was old enough to get married. As he had no girlfriend, he had to rely on matrimonial sites to look for the person of his dreams. They were discussing the list of “requirements” in the girl while this particular one turned up. Raj added “ But most travel based jobs involve going to same drab locations and staying in bland hotels”. “ Of course not” She quipped. “What about those working in National Geographic?”. This time Raj laughed out loud. “ What are the chances of finding an Indian, that too a girl, working in the National Geographic?” 

Shailu remained silent. It triggered some very troubled emotions in her. She remembered something she had buried so deep inside her that she had forgotten about it. It was about how she had imagined her life should be when she was much younger. Shailu sighed, not bothering to reply to Raj....Soon she was lost in her thoughts. As a child she had loved reading and watching English films. They opened her to a new world, very different from where she was living. In that world people had higher goals in life – not just living for food, shelter and safety through bank deposits. Her father would add to her enthusiasm by telling her to aim higher, do different things in life. Every dinner conversations used to be about different professions she could follow, or places she could see or things she could do. 

As she grew into her teens midst this environment, a pattern emerged in her thinking. She noticed that she loved to read about nature, be in nature, specifically the wild. Slowly as she gained more and more knowledge about nature, she became passionate about it. She wanted to work on the conservation of the wild. That was what she wanted to dedicate her life to. But she didn’t want to be an activist or work with an NGO. She wanted to be in it, be a part of nature, while working towards it. But she was too young, didn’t know how could she go about it. One fine day she discovered the National Geographic. It was then that she became clear on how she could do her bit on conservation of nature, without being an activist. She became quite keen on joining it, wanting to make her career in it. She kept researching on it and dreaming about it. She got to know of other such big organizations which were doing great work in conservation of wild life, but she remained focused on NGC for quite some time.

Maybe it was the adventure of exploration, of venturing into the forests, observing life at its most basic…She couldn’t really make out what appealed to her about this life, but she was obsessed with it. She imagined a life full of travels to different places, spending days under the canopy of trees, nights in chilly deserts, sleeping in tents, coming back to civilization only to make reports, documentaries and buying supplies. It all looked incredibly romantic and novel to her. 

“Where and how did all that passion go?” – wondered Shailu. Did it all get buried under peer pressure and the need to succeed as people normally define? Today she is a well-qualified woman, working in a multinational organization. She lives in a modern city, has her own house, car and bank balance. She travels abroad for holidays. She has a loving husband, and two beautiful children. Everything which anyone wanted. But not she. She had always wanted something else -  a life of travel, adventure, new places and new things. Instead she had taken the well known path as everybody. She can never leave this path now or ever – due to her family. However, if she had chosen that other path – the one she wanted, she couldn’t have had this wonderful family..and the amazing luxury she was living in. How would that have been? Could she have lived that life? Wouldn’t she have felt lonely and incomplete without a family?...Was she really made out for the grueling life in wild...Phew….both sides had its boons and sacrifices. How does one choose? Especially when the chance presents itself at a tender age – when you are young and inexperienced. When you do not know the value of achievements, dreams or the need for love and support from a family….

“Where are you” quipped Raj. Shailu sighed and replied that she had to a meeting, ending that conversation. She was too lost in her thoughts to have a meaningful conversation about life partners. As she walked to get a cup of coffee, she kept pondering over her choice of life. She knew that she gave up her dreams to be a regular person – for family,comfort and money. Though she would be perennially looking for a bigger sense of purpose in her life, she is absolutely sure that she was on the right path. If she had chosen the other path, she would have missed this one badly!! She loved her family and home too much. But right now, the choice she had made didn’t trouble her as much as another question – Should she induce such dreams and thoughts in her children like her father did?  Should she encourage them to pursue their “different” dreams - knowing that life could be hard and lonely there, but more fulfilling and satisfying? Or should she tell them about the sacrifices one has to make to their dreams come true - which she never made? What picture should she paint for her beautiful children?