DECISIONS

 I watched the Dead Poet’s Society yesterday, again. The last time I saw it, I was in college. It had left a very strong impression in my mind. Carpe Diem! Seize the day. It remained a persistent and romantic theme in all these years since. 

This is about decisions and how they make you feel. This is about Neil. Can you imagine a young seventeen year old, all fresh and excited about life. He is very good – in academics and socially. But more important is his courage. His friends are brave too, but he is a natural leader. When he proposes, to reconvene the Dead Poet’s Society, he does not bother to convince them. He knows; the thrill of doing something dangerous and completely against the rules would be enough to bring his friends along. They convince themselves! It is so refreshing to watch them. They love every moment of their meetings. Not because they were breaking the rules. But they were doing something for themselves, reading and writing poetry for themselves. Otherwise, their lives were governed by authorities, who were determined that they spent every moment in bettering themselves academically, for the future where they would become bankers, doctors and lawyers.

Then comes the day when Neil’s courage is tested. He can’t speak against his father who wants him to focus on becoming a doctor. While his hearts wants to do something else. “I am trapped” he says to his teacher. He is just so young. Dependent on his parents for everything, especially for approval. He feels suffocated in his father’s dreams, and by his own desires. What does he do? He chose out of life. You might think that he choose an easy way out. But can you imagine how trapped he must have felt? To be so good at something he loved, but knowing that there is no chance of it in the present or future. It is rare for people to discover what they like to do, and even rare to find themselves good at it. And here he was, with his glorious discovery, only to find that the doors are shut for him. I repeat, he was just a kid. He didn’t give himself the time to find out how things actually happen. He just chose out.

But imagine how calm he must have felt after taking that last final decision. He wasn’t trapped anymore. Nothing could touch him or hurt him now. He was free from his own desires and those of others. He didn’t need approval for his last action; he wasn’t bothered about the repercussions. Can you imagine that freedom? Death can be liberating.

What if instead, life was like this? If we could feel so liberated in life too?

CHASING EXCITEMENT

They say some books stay with you forever. In my case, almost every book I have read has stayed with me a while. I could make a list, but that would be insufferable. Not long ago, I read the book ‘The power of Moments’ which talks about how “we all have defining moments in our life – meaningful experiences that stand out in our memory”. Most of the times, these moments are accidental. But the authors question us “why leave our most meaningful, memorable moments to chance when we can create them”. I looked back at my life, and after recollecting almost all of the important moments chronologically, I decided they were not enough. From that moment on I have been silently obsessed with creating moments for my children. I wanted to create these little and big moments of fun and crazy experiences which they will look back with fondness.

Ever since then I have been chasing excitement. Sometimes it was as simple as eating out, which is quite rare for us. The kids were bursting with excitement to sit in their own chairs opposite me at the table in the restaurants, and would giggle away at silly things and at the menu cards as they chose what they would eat. It would take hours to decide on what to order and when the food did arrive, they would be fighting over each other on who gets the bigger portion. It didn’t matter that they never actually ate any of it, and it all ended up in my stomach.

Other times it had been going over for a chat with a friend after dinner, but instead staying over till the early hours of the next day. The kids would have played every available game in that house, and seen multiply movies and in the end, they all would have fallen asleep among each other, arm and legs in a tangled mess among the sheets. Finally we had to identify and separate each of our children and carry them home to complete their sleep in their respective beds. In the morning, the children are so surprised about how they reach back!

Another time we packed a picnic lunch, took a few toys, gathered a few friends and went in search of the elusive riverside picnic spot, something I remembered from years ago. We didn’t know the road to take neither did we know the name of the place. We just knew the direction, and so we drove hoping to find that memory lodged in my brain. Instead we found an amazing river bank, where the mountain stream turned a corner. And we had one of the best ever day out! There was sand, there were rocks, there was the soft bubbling of the rivers, there were kids squealing and jumping around, there was so much fun.

There have been other events of making giant bubbles, candles, festivals celebrated with grandeur, camping with the tent inside the house during the rains, spending hours on the hammock in the garden, and many other such attempts to create memories.

There hasn’t been much going out since the covid restrictions and also because of the summer. But the seasons have been changing, and I could feel the onset of autumn with the slight chill in the air. So today I got this crazy idea to have a picnic. It is crazy because we cannot go out far due to travel restrictions. But I really wanted to create some excitement. It has been too long, and I have to keep the spirit of making moments alive. So what if all I could do right now, was to eat somewhere outside, and far from home. That is how I defined a picnic to my kids. And they were hooked. Within half an hour, we had packed a lunch, and armed with our lovely bright picnic mat, we set out in the car looking for a place to have lunch outside. I overestimated the chill in the air; it was positively hot out there. After looked at every place in the area where we are allowed to venture out, we couldn’t find a single, private, clean and shaded place where we could have our picnic. My little one was getting fidgety. She was wondering about was this picnic for which we seem to be searching forever. She tried to console me, “it’s ok mama, let’s go home”. But my elder one was determined not to eat inside the house, neither in the garden. “You said, a picnic is eating out and away from home”, she reminded me. So we continued on our search. I was a little disappointed in not finding a good place, when I remembered something. There is always a way. So I drove back to the children’s park near our house. And lo, behold, I found the perfect picnic spot - shaded by the trees, with a gentle breeze blowing, and with a carpet of thick green grass. We needed no further encouragement. We set up our picnic mat and placed our hamper down, and instantly we felt as if we were far away from everything around. I know all we did was to find a place to eat outside. But all the excitement was there in the planning, and searching for the place. Target achieved for today. For the rest, there is tomorrow.  

Note: the pronoun keeps changing from 'I' to 'we' whenever my husband has been there with us for these adventures, which has been rare in the last several months. I really wish that all our further adventures will have a 'we' instead of 'I'.

DESTINY VS AWARENESS

 

I am confused.

There is the alchemist and similar books saying that we all have a destiny, which we knew when we were young but have forgotten over the years, and other baggage makes it impossible to either see the destiny or try to achieve it. Then it also talks about how destiny can be changed if you work towards it. It talks about omens and how the universe conspires to help you achieve your destiny. It is so wonderful to read and listen and all that. But what if you don’t know your destiny? What if you don’t know what you want in life/with life/from life?

Then there are these books on zen and meditation and all that. It says that the world is just the way it is. We are just the way we are. It says if we accept this, and just go about our lives, being really aware and awake in moment, that’s enough. No amount of achievement or material gains or love will give us what we are looking for. It talks about trusting the universe. It talks about how conflict is created by this duality of me vs you, me vs nature, me vs other. And all such conflicts is eradicated when we realise that everything and every person is one. It talks about why do we want to improve ourselves – because it we who have to do the improving to ourselves – how does that work? It is like the iron is trying to beat itself into shape. The question of destiny and universe conspiring to help us doesn’t fit in here. Because we are the universe.

So you see….my confusion. Should I spend my days searching the destiny and trying to achieve it, or should I just go about my days doing what I feel like and just being here?

RESOLUTIONS: AN ACCIDENTAL DEMISE

You know that popular thought among the non believers of the book ‘Secret” – “when something gets real good in one part of your life, something else is completely falling apart”. Well it comes true for me very often. I don’t call myself an optimist, but I don’t think life is a beach either. But the one thing I would definitely call myself is a dreamer!! My hopes are unlimited and so have been the resolutions I have taken. In number. 

So I keep making these resolutions every few months – bathe every day, write once a week, read 2 books a month, exercise 5 days a week and so on. I have tried every available strategy from habit forming techniques to journaling, reminders and to do lists. But none of them work for me. You know why? I will tell you why! Because every time I decide to do something, and plan for it, something happens which makes it impossible to follow through my plan. 

Take the bathing example. This resolution is usually taken in summer, when it is hot and taking showers is a good welcome activity. But what follows a few months down the line is winter – the harsh, unforgiving winters of North India. Imagine yourself covered in three layers of woollens, and spending every free moment in front of the heater. Feel the cold rooms and walls and beds. And now imagine you have to shed all that insulation which keeps you alive.... for what? To keep up my resolution of bathing every day? And spend an hour afterwards covered in blankets and shivering and waiting for the heat to come back into the body? No way! Torturing myself with this bathing mania every other day is fine during winters!!!

I agree that was not much of an excuse for not keeping my resolution. But this next one will blow your mind away. Exercise 5 days a week. You imagine yourself slowly getting pumped up. You download the best apps, you buy the equipment or take that gym membership, and you watch inspirational videos. The motivation is slowly building up. You know you can reach that perfectly sculpted body. You feel like the hero in those motivational sports movie where he gets the awakening and he is working hard and going to win the medal. You too are there in that mental plane, and are just raring to go. And the next day you fall sick. Or worse, your kids fall ill. If you have kids, you know how they become when they are ill. They become these tiny wailing, sniffling warm balls which attach themselves to you for comfort and care and you would inhuman if their cries and eyes don’t melt you. I have two of them who catch the illness from each other consecutively, and then pass it on to me in the end. So the whole affair lasts for weeks!! I those days it is lucky if I can do anything beyond make soups or porridge and feed the kids. Entire house and life does become messy but then who cares? All you want at that time is for your kids to stop hurting and become their usual happy self as soon as possible!!

So all my resolutions of exercise, reading, writing etc goes for a toss. To get to the above mentioned motivation for anything after weeks of mentally and physically exhausting caretaking, is impossible. Many weeks, go by. Then one fine day I would chance upon a note or see something which would trigger my head and off I would go to make another resolution. I start pumping myself up again, and get myself raring to go, until the next accident where it gets killed again!!!

ADDICTED

It is official. I am addicted to Youtube. I blame it on Netflix. I am absolutely crazy about movies. I have seen thousands and many of them repeatedly. So you can fathom my happiness when I took up a Netflix subscription recently and got access to some brilliant movies from across the world. But unfortunately, their collection of kid’s series is also brilliant. Hence, my 6 yr old and 2 yr old kids love Netflix more than me. They can binge on Peppa Pig, Miraculous Lady Bug and those zillion other kids series for ages, if given an option. However they don’t have that option, and make do with an hour every day (which is still too much according to many parenting experts). Anyways, they sort of zone out and forget the existence of the world while watching TV and I usually get the chance to do my work without getting interrupted for that hour. A month ago, I didn’t have anything to do for that hour (surprise!!). Yay!! Movie time for me too, or so I thought. I downloaded Netflix in my phone (high time, almost a month since I subscribed) and decided to watch something from my ever increasing watch list of movies. But Lo! My subscription allowed viewing only on one screen, and the kids were watching Peppa Pig on TV. I know Netflix is cool but it is really not worth paying extra for multiple screens viewing in a household of four. Trust me. Anyways, try to convince a 2 yr old to watching something else, five minutes into Peppa Pig – world war would be easier. 

So I was stuck with my phone and unlimited internet!! Well Youtube it was!! And I haven’t stopped since. I have been watching and listening to videos in the most unlikely places and times. In the shower, while cooking, while putting my little one to nap, in the washroom, in my walks and so on. Why if I ever had 5 minutes to myself, I would be glued to the screen. You wonder why such weird timings and occasions to watch Youtube? Well you become a stay at home mom with 2 little kids and a very busy husband, and find time to relax, put up your feet and watch something beyond 5 minutes, and then ask such a question. I make do with what I have!! When the elder one is in school, the little one needs my time and attention, and when the little one is napping, the elder one needs me, and when they both are sleeping I am either dead asleep with them or doing only the absolutely essential household chores like cook food and laundry!!!

And how do I manage to watch Youtube while cooking or putting the kids to sleep? Well Youtube has this feature where it plays the video right in the feed page in silent mode and with subtitles!! Amazing when you have to be quite and immobile while the little one gets ready for her nap. And for the rest of times I use wireless Bluetooth earphones gifted by my husband so that I could enjoy audio books!! Look at what use am I putting them to J

I don’t use much of social media like Face book, Twitter, Instagram or others. Hence I didn’t know how addictive customised feed could be. Yes I have had brief love affairs with Pocket and Pinterest a few years ago. A few months into these relationships, I found that they took up too much time and space in my mind and my phone. You know that popular Indian saying – “Analysis, Analysis.....Paralysis” or something like that. Well, it was just like that between me and Pocket/Pinterest. I had been reading and collecting so many ideas about so many things, but I never, literally never implemented any of them. So I just removed these two things from my phone and life, and it became so much simpler and guilt free.

But here I am again, this time obsessed with YouTube. I just can’t stop myself. There is so much happening in the world!!! I have become a glutton for content on Minimalism, Zero Waste, financial freedom and retiring early, people living off grid in houses built close to nature, homestead, healthy nutritious food, Mandala and Zentangle art, TED talks on productivity and parenting (those two cannot go together, I tell you) and so on. Is there a trend in the above topics?? Hmmmm.....And for fun I binge on Lilly Singh’s Superwoman, and Filtercopy and Blush’s short fun and happy videos!! 

Phew! I think just listing it was exhausting, so imagine the kind of overload on my own mind watching and processing this stuff!! But I cannot stop. That’s because, unlike the previous love affairs, this time I have taken some action steps towards my ideas!! Maybe a few months down the line I will post my progress in minimalism, zero waste and parenting. But for that to happen, I have to get off my butt...rather drag my eyes off the screen and do something. Any ideas anyone???