HOW I LEARNT THAT I AM NOT SPECIAL

As long as I remember back, I believed that “I am unique and special. I am so intelligent, smart, polite, well read and the nicest person I ever knew.” I collected evidences to prove this to myself.  I got the best grades in my class at school, I was the school captain and all the teachers I liked, liked me back. It was only a few years later I understood that best in class meant nothing in a small sample size, 'school captain' happened due to a lot of campaigning by peers as they liked none of the other nominees and teachers had a soft corner for almost everyone in the class, as they saw them grow up over the years. But this experience was unnerving, and laid its first brick of doubt in my mind. Maybe I am a little less special than I thought.

Then this happened several times over the years. I thought I was the righteous one in grad school, taking on the role of class representative as a self sacrifice. Years later, I understood that the self sacrifice part was not required at all and no wonder my classmates were not obliged or falling over my feet in gratefulness because they never asked me to do those things. It was all me. Being in that role was the only thing which differentiated me from the others and made me special. But, a few more leadership roles, years and several grey hairs later, wisdom took my hand and lead me to the mirror of truth. There is absolutely nothing special about me.  

Seeing the truth was brutal (especially for my ego) and .......extremely liberating. Believing myself special in some way always felt heavy, felt like a great responsibility. Felt that I should do 'big, amazing things' in life, what with all my gifts! This kind of thinking was a problem, when I was choosing my education, career or life partner! It led to confusion and being non committal. Basically the question - what the hell should I be doing or pursing in order to do these 'big amazing things' - riddled me a long time? And this 'big, amazing things' thought also troubled me deeply in later stages when all I wanted was to live a simple, quiet, satisfied life.

It took me some time to accept my non – specialness and soon I realised how much lighter it feels without lugging my ego everywhere I go or in whatever I think. It also released me of any entitlement I felt. Yes, the entitlement that we feel we all deserve, to have the things we want, whether we worked for it or not. We are all pretty average people after all. Maybe, just maybe, some of us are a little exceptional in one thing, but in the rest of the things we are average or maybe below others. That is a bitter pill to swallow. But think of this – we are afraid to accept our mediocrity and non-specialness because we believe that if we accept it, we will never achieve anything, never improve and that our life won’t matter. That is exactly what is wrong. If we consider our life worthwhile only if we do 'big amazing things', then most of humanity is worthless because they are not doing anything like that. They are just surviving.

Life has been pretty simple and easy over the last few years since I have understood my position in the bell curve. I am free of anxiety and pressure to prove myself. Ego is a bad loser and many a times tries to come back and raise the dust storm, clouding my vision. But that’s the thing about seeing the truth. Once you see it, you cannot un see it. No matter the storm!

P.S. 1 - Anyone who has become great and exceptional have become so by believing that they are not special, by believing that they should keep trying, keep improving, remain committed to their art/work.

P.S. 2 – I am reading Mark Manson’s book and though I didn’t like the beginning, the second half of the book is quite good. Point is, that I am writing this post highly influenced by what I read there.

P.S. 3 - I might still go on to do 'big, amazing things' but then consider it a side effect of losing the pressure of proving myself. 

P.S. 3 – I should make an acronym for ‘ big, amazing things’ and take a copywright license or something. 

THE DIVINER

So I am the official things ‘diviner’ of the house. My children and husband were always losing things in the house, and could never find them. I taught them how to search – “use your hands, not just your eyes to look for your things. Lift up the dump of clothes on the bed and look under. Remove the pile of books and stationary on the table and check for your thing”, I say. But to no avail. They just could never find them. And then I would have to go to their rescue. I challenged them that it wouldn’t take me more than 2 minutes to find the thing which they have been looking for since morning. Could you guess what my average time for finding those lost things – it takes me less than a minute!! Every single time!! They even timed me with a clock timer to check. When I hand them over their lost thing, they look at me in wonder. “Mama, you have got magic!” - their refrain.

I know I don’t have any magic. I believe that I would be able to find it. I believe in it very strongly, of course, ruled by logic. A non living thing cannot suddenly grow legs and leave the house. It has to be there somewhere. We are just not trying hard enough.  This belief is lacking in my kids and husband. I tried to instil this confidence and belief in them many times. But it was easier for them to ask for my help, knowing that I would find it within seconds, than taking the bother to develop the belief in themselves and search for their stuff.

So inspired by a reel I saw in Instagram the other day, I took a radical decision. I was going to charge my husband and children money for looking for their ‘unfindable’ things. Once I told my decision to them, there were loud protests and disbelief in their eyes. I cannot do that – they said. I didn’t budge. The first thing I had to look for was my husband’s credit card. It was a very important thing to look for, so I charged double. And I collected my payment in advance, before looking. That was my trust in my own ability to find lost things. What do you think happened? OF course, I found the credit card within the stipulated time. Of course I charged my children too for their first lost thing of the day. Can you guess what happened next?

That was the last thing I had to ever look for over the past couple of months. They never asked me again to look for their things. They found it very frustrating to search for their stuff, but it was more frustrating to give me their hard earned pocket money. Earlier they would make me do their work for them for free, and now I charged them for it . I went on to live happily ever after in peace!

Moral of the story in case it was lost in my narration – Believe in yourself – that you can do it, And charge your family for making use of your brain instead of theirs!

FAMILY'S WEATHER VANE

The mother in the family is the person who decides the tone, the mood of the entire family. If she is happy, everyone is happy. If she is serious, it is very difficult for the rest of the family to be happy and cheerful! I wonder why?

I saw it in my house in my childhood. My mother was very serious and industrious. There was always a lot of work, and she never found the time to relax or ‘just chill’ with us. There was always something to do around the house. If there was nothing, she could hunt out a chore with the speed at which a mouse can find cheese! There were very few moments of joy or fun. And when they were there, it felt as if it was a gift! Something unique and special. The atmosphere at our house was quiet, with a tension hanging in the air. I remember all the times I pretended to study to avoid doing the never ending list of chores.

I observed the same with my mother in law. Just as work defined my mother, fear defines my mother in law. She is a unique combination of fear and positivity, which made her a defiant devotee. A huge part of her life is determined by religious rituals and auspicious dates and times and it is bound to trickle or rather pour down on the family. This ensured that free moments were spent in either planning or executing some rituals/traditions or visits to temples.

Now I define the mood in my family. The girls and husband get to have fun only if I am in a good mood. I try my best to not have this kind of influence on them. But it seems impossible. If I am low, everyone is so quiet. My girls would tiptoe around me or try to cheer me up in ways they know. My husband would make my favourite dish or crack dad jokes to cheer me up. I wish they would leave me alone, and not spoil their day. When I am pissed, everyone gets a dose of my sarcasm – no exceptions. It sends everyone running around clearing up surfaces or throws them into their own temper tantrums. And if I am cheerful, the house is filled with noise, laughter, excitement and music.

I never knew that we play such an important rule. This is raw power in the hands of the woman/mother of the family. A power which we should use with discretion and ensure the kind of memories our family would hold close to its heart. Will keep that in mind.

INVESTING IN PEOPLE

I attended a friend’s wedding, years ago. In addition to me, she had 3 other friends attending the event. But the groom had 100 friends there! I was awestruck. I didn't even know a hundred people in my life - a tiny fraction of them being such good friends that they turn up at my wedding! 

Okay! enough about weddings. But we have all seen such people. People who make friends easily and have so many they could just call and get together anytime and anyplace. People who are at ease among others and not awkward or weird. They do seem to have boundaries or trust issues. They do not need ‘me time’ or ‘alone time’. They don’t mind going off somewhere in the middle of the day or night if their friends call them. They like to be out and with people and generally are fun and seem to be having a great time. 

Then there are people like me. The opposite. We like being alone. We like to think. We are serious. We are introverts and like being quiet. However, we also keep away from people because of all the above. We do not completely trust others, because they are either like us (hence not completely open) or opposite to us (hence will not understand us). So we don’t make friends that much or that easily. We need our alone time, time to introspect, unwind, calm down and process our feelings and thoughts. But this time is also time away from other people! 

The result of this is that people like me become isolated. Usually we don't mind that. We are called loners for a reason. Being with ourselves is great - when things are going great. However life isn't always the same. Sometimes, we are sick, or lonely or need help. All of which requires people. And then we have nobody. No one to call and talk about how crazy the week has been. No one who can come help us pick furniture for the house because we have no idea about home decor. No one to drive us to the hospital when we are sick and can't think straight. 

People like me don't invest in building relationships. It takes too much effort, time and energy out of me. I would rather write this article than make that long overdue call to my friend. Result? People move away. No wonder we don't have many friends.  But what we don't realise is that we have to spend time and effort with people on our good days - when we don't need them, in order for them to be there during our bad days. Well that really doesn't guarantee that they will be there when you need them. That is where the numbers matter. Have so many people in your life that someone will be there when you need them.

I agree, that is a very depressing view or reason to have relationships. I mean, we are putting away precious hours of good days just to insure against bad days, and we never even know if the insurance pays. But isn't that what we do with money? or health? We put away a sizable chunk of money to be invested so that we have more later, especially when we need it. Are not all investments subject to some amount of risk? We sweat and spend hours in the gym and working out so that our knees and back continue to support us for as long as we are alive! But we never know if we are going to live that long! In every aspect of life we invest today in order to reap better benefits later on.  So why can't we think similarly in terms of relationships?

Please don’t go all virtuous on me, and say that relationships are not like money and should be treated as sacrosanct and not transactional. We all know that relationships are nothing but transactional. We give something to get something. Many continue to give without getting anything back because what they get out of the relationship is covert. So now that we are clear that people like me need relationships and friendships, we should invest regularly in them. It would mean making the calls, checking up on them, providing help if and when required, spending some time together, making plans with them and mostly getting out of my comfort zone. We have to give family and friends something which they want - our time and interest. When they make plans - join them. When they have an event or win - celebrate with them. When they are crying or cribbing - console them. We know the list. 

There is one major caveat to this whole thing. All the above is only possible - we can give our time and interest to relationships - only when we like other people.  Genuinely, like people. That would require us to get off our pedestal and see people with empathy and not judgement. This is no easy feat for anyone, but then we cannot really fake through our relationships at all. It doesn't work that way.  Relationships might be transactional but they are genuine and real. At no point am I suggesting anyone to FAKE relationships!

Disclaimer - I am not suggesting introverts like me force myself to become extroverts and just go around tagging people on instagram. But rather, have a balance, and really spend time with a few close friends and family and be there for them. Because we need them. 

Disclaimer 2 : I could be completely and utterly wrong with this approach. But this is an experiment. Worth a try!

WAKE UP CALL

Yesterday I got cheated by an online shopping site for 1100/-. I felt terrible about it. All the signs of it not being a genuine site were present. But I had chosen not to pay attention to them. There is always something to do or plan or think about. So most of the time, I am walking around doing things while my mind is on something else. Just like this incident. I didn’t listen to my own intuition which told me several times that there was something not right with this transaction. But I didn’t pay attention to it. I didn’t even want that item I ordered so badly! In fact, I shop online once or twice a year! I could come up with so many excuses to rationalize my action, but that isn’t going to mask the truth that I just wasn’t being careful. 

This got me thinking, and wondering about all the other mistakes I had done. Very few of them had been due to lack of information or knowledge. Most of them had been due to carelessness. And carelessness is nothing but not paying attention. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I had told my daughters, to be careful. I have given examples and stories and guidelines and scolded them a thousand times because they didn’t care and something went wrong. Now I feel like a total hypocrite! So  I am feeling doubly bad – I was careless in a financial transaction, and I have been teaching something to the kids which I don’t practice myself. Okay, I am not beating myself all over about this. I have already forgiven myself for this. But every experience is an opportunity to learn something and become a little better at living. So this post is about that.

I have a feeling everyone lives like this. But just for the sake of not being a hypocrite (for my daughters) I need to change.  How can I be more careful in the way I live? How do I be careful in everything I am doing? I do pay attention occasionally – when I am writing, or driving or helping the kids with their homework, or telling a story. But never am I completely there when I am cooking or walking or exercising or the zillion other things which fills my days. My mind is always busy with some thoughts. It is not quite, nor is it involved with the activity I am doing then. Is it because the activity is easy or monotonous or because I think I am so good at it that it doesn’t need my attention? This is normal right? A lot of our daily activities are automated. We don’t need to remember how to brush or wear our pants and all that. That is how we manage the sheer immense number of things we do in our modern life. But then sometimes incidents like this happen and I wonder if that is the best way to live? Maybe easier but is it really working?

Maybe this is what all the gurus and saints and people like J D Krishnamurti have been talking about – being in the moment. He talks so much about paying attention to everything happening around and within ourselves. Dan Millman in ‘Peaceful warrior’ said – there is always something happening, are we paying attention to it? If I was, I would still have my Rs1100/- and not  feel like a fool. But the problem is, I do not know how to pay attention all the time. Lets look at my excuses:

 It will be so tiring to use my brain so much all the time!

 It will be difficult to finish all the things I want to do if I am focussed on only the thing I am doing right now. For example while making lunch, my mind is busy making dinner plans and prepping them!

 I absolutely love the drama happening in my mind!

 I have emotions about everything and need to process them by thinking them through.

Well I have no clue if the above excuses are genuine or just excuses, but I need to try doing this to see if these excuses are genuine when I actually get down to paying attention to what I do. Project AATT is on (Attention All The Time)!!! I will report after 1 week, of doing this. 

Whom am I kidding? Do not expect any update for weeks or months or never!

CAN YOU TRUST YOUR MEMORY?

 I used to attend Indian classical dancing classes when I was 9 years old. I have vague memories of going every weekend, a uniform and trying to convert Bengali notes into English. The teacher was very strict. The dance school was above a grimy, noisy metal workshop. The sessions were tough and quite difficult. I remember coming home with trembling legs after every class due to all the practice. I quit the classes after a couple of years. I remember it was because I found it quite tough and wasn’t really interested in it. However, twenty years later, as I was talking to my mother about it, she said I quit dance because I wasn’t good at it. I was so surprised because that wasn’t what I remembered. However if Mom said it, it must be true, so I changed my belief about the reason I quit dancing. I tend to forget the past quite a lot – especially events and occasions, so I trusted her memory more than mine. As time passed, I found many inconsistencies in my mother’s memories about events in the past. That’s when I realised something, Mom doesn’t remember everything. If that was the case, was her memory of the reason for me quitting dance was really true? This realization gave me immense relief.

You would wonder why is it that I am dwelling on something so trivial and in the past. Well, because it contributes to the “story” or “narration” of my life and it decides how I think about myself, which in turn dictates my actions and belief system. Everything I do and think now, is due to these tiny, trivial data points which act like road map or guiding beacon. So this narrative of our life needs to be accurate. It cannot depend on inconsistent data given by my own memory or my mother’s. There is no way to go back in time and understand why I decided to quit dance. But the judgement which arises from the reasons behind the action, will shape what I think about myself. So there are two paths for me. Either I completely disregard this data point as having any bearing on my character or I change the narrative to something which suits my future goals.

Sometimes I feel that it is quite good that I forget the past so easily. Because memories are inconsistent. They are not completely true. We twist them into something either to suit a narrative we choose or to browbeat ourselves; unintentionally. So when I don’t remember whether I am good at dance or not, next time an opportunity to dance comes up, I would participate without any hesitation or baggage or pride about it. Can we live like that? Fresh page every time, every day? Would that be easier or worthwhile?

DISTRACTION

 “Mama”, screamed my seven year old daughter. She had this extremely irritated expression as she looked at me. We were playing badminton in front of our house. The reason for her irritation you ask? Well, it was me not giving her my attention completely. While playing badminton with her, I was also talking to a friend nearby, about something not trivial, but neither extremely important. This happened for the third time in a game of thirty minutes. The first time, a friend called to ask for a recipe which she needed because she was making dinner for guests. The second time, was because I was instructing the gardener about watering the plants and transplanting. By the third time, she really got upset and had to express her frustration as my distraction.

Later on in bed, when I asked her about it, she said “I really wanted to play badminton with you, because you like it. I was enjoying playing with you but you were not playing properly when you were talking to other people.” It hit me hard. Her profound wisdom!

Here was a seven year old, telling a thirty seven year old about how to manage time, about distraction, about relationship. This understanding is based on Nir Eyal’s book- Indistractable. I will explain below.

Time – We always feel there is so much to do, and there really is. But the problem doesn’t lie in the number of activities vs time available. It problem, is that while doing each activity, we are unable to immerse ourselves in it, or get in the flow of each, hence the dissatisfaction about incomplete work remains in the mind. This dissatisfaction makes us feel there is not much time but loads to do. Giving something complete attention gives greater sense of accomplishment rather than completing the task.

Distraction – Nir Eyal’s – suggests time blocked scheduled week which should include everything, even relaxation in it, in order to handle distractions. In this case, my distractions were talking to the different people in between a game of thirty minutes. This is exactly how the rest of my day goes. Everything I do is either interrupted by myself when I see some other task which needs attending to, or I get calls or people come over to talk. All this while I have two little children at home, which means, they could interrupt me anytime.

But it has rarely happened that I allow my children interrupt my tasks or my conversation. I have always asked them to wait while I finish what I am doing. So when I am doing something with my children, WHY CANT I ASK OTHERS TO WAIT? My daughter told me the solution to this, “tell them to go away, kindly but strictly.” Her vocabulary is limited, but what she meant was, tell others to not interrupt my time with my children. I think that is a very good solution. But not something very easy to do.

How can you tell your family and friends that you cannot listen to them because you are playing a game of badminton with your child? We all still have it deeply ingrained in our minds that adults and their problems and their conversations are more important than the children. We could use whatever words we want – we earn the bread, we have more responsibility, we have more tasks, we in reality help more people, etc...But none of them is completely true. Yes we have more things to do than children, but none of them is probably more important than spending than thirty minutes with the child. Equally important yes, but more important – NO. So why is it that I let everything interrupt my time with my child.

It is not fair also, because when I demand their attention, I do not allow them to be distracted at all. They have to pay completely attention to me when I am talking or teaching them something. Look at my double standards!

I have a friend, a working mother of two, who says she misses her children and rushes back to spend time with them. I am a stay at home mom, but I still don’t get much time completely with my children. I always wondered why. But now I have understood why. It is not just about priority – my children are my priority. But only in my mind. In actions, I am getting distracted always. So Nir Eyal’s suggestion – to timebox schedule my time, and not let distractions during each activity should be helpful. This would require good self discipline and some difficult conversations with friends and family, but really required.

Relationship - I have been encouraging and teaching my daughter to play badminton since a year and half. She didn’t show much interest earlier, because maybe she was too small to have the right grip or have the required coordination. But I never stopped suggesting that game. Maybe that is why, she thinks I like the game. And despite a lot of other children playing different fun games around, she wanted to play badminton with me. Because she thinks I like it. Because she loves me. But if you ask me how many activities I do with her, because she likes it, there wouldn’t be many. It is the same with my younger daughter. Yes, I would give them chocolates, and ice creams, and they get their TV times, and play times and play dates. I teach them to cycle, swim, do their homework, etc. But you see how these are different from actually doing the things they want to do, with them. The way my daughter wanted to spend thirty minutes with me on a game of badminton (which she was also enjoying) – it has a different quality of time spent in the relationship than me teaching them how to cycle or swim. Nothing is being achieved, no milestones are being met or learning happening. It is just time spent purely with each other. That is so much required in our relationships, and my 7 year old daughter is teaching me that. I have so much to learn from these kids.

An expert on parenting taught me about “special time” in her Parenting group. This is the best solution to address the above issues of time, distraction and relationship with my children. If you are a parent like me, maybe its time you do this too. Every day.  It goes this way - 

Special time, means that I decide on 30 mins or 1 hr of time everyday, which I should spend with each of my children separately. In this time, the child decides how to spend the time, and I just take her lead. I do not try to teach or make her learn, or change what she wants to do. I go with her completely, as she wants. If she wants to watch TV in her special time, then I sit and watch with her. Even if in the whole day, I am busy, this small special time of 30 minutes will create the connect with the child which will make her feel cared and loved and that she matters.