DISTRACTION

 “Mama”, screamed my seven year old daughter. She had this extremely irritated expression as she looked at me. We were playing badminton in front of our house. The reason for her irritation you ask? Well, it was me not giving her my attention completely. While playing badminton with her, I was also talking to a friend nearby, about something not trivial, but neither extremely important. This happened for the third time in a game of thirty minutes. The first time, a friend called to ask for a recipe which she needed because she was making dinner for guests. The second time, was because I was instructing the gardener about watering the plants and transplanting. By the third time, she really got upset and had to express her frustration as my distraction.

Later on in bed, when I asked her about it, she said “I really wanted to play badminton with you, because you like it. I was enjoying playing with you but you were not playing properly when you were talking to other people.” It hit me hard. Her profound wisdom!

Here was a seven year old, telling a thirty seven year old about how to manage time, about distraction, about relationship. This understanding is based on Nir Eyal’s book- Indistractable. I will explain below.

Time – We always feel there is so much to do, and there really is. But the problem doesn’t lie in the number of activities vs time available. It problem, is that while doing each activity, we are unable to immerse ourselves in it, or get in the flow of each, hence the dissatisfaction about incomplete work remains in the mind. This dissatisfaction makes us feel there is not much time but loads to do. Giving something complete attention gives greater sense of accomplishment rather than completing the task.

Distraction – Nir Eyal’s – suggests time blocked scheduled week which should include everything, even relaxation in it, in order to handle distractions. In this case, my distractions were talking to the different people in between a game of thirty minutes. This is exactly how the rest of my day goes. Everything I do is either interrupted by myself when I see some other task which needs attending to, or I get calls or people come over to talk. All this while I have two little children at home, which means, they could interrupt me anytime.

But it has rarely happened that I allow my children interrupt my tasks or my conversation. I have always asked them to wait while I finish what I am doing. So when I am doing something with my children, WHY CANT I ASK OTHERS TO WAIT? My daughter told me the solution to this, “tell them to go away, kindly but strictly.” Her vocabulary is limited, but what she meant was, tell others to not interrupt my time with my children. I think that is a very good solution. But not something very easy to do.

How can you tell your family and friends that you cannot listen to them because you are playing a game of badminton with your child? We all still have it deeply ingrained in our minds that adults and their problems and their conversations are more important than the children. We could use whatever words we want – we earn the bread, we have more responsibility, we have more tasks, we in reality help more people, etc...But none of them is completely true. Yes we have more things to do than children, but none of them is probably more important than spending than thirty minutes with the child. Equally important yes, but more important – NO. So why is it that I let everything interrupt my time with my child.

It is not fair also, because when I demand their attention, I do not allow them to be distracted at all. They have to pay completely attention to me when I am talking or teaching them something. Look at my double standards!

I have a friend, a working mother of two, who says she misses her children and rushes back to spend time with them. I am a stay at home mom, but I still don’t get much time completely with my children. I always wondered why. But now I have understood why. It is not just about priority – my children are my priority. But only in my mind. In actions, I am getting distracted always. So Nir Eyal’s suggestion – to timebox schedule my time, and not let distractions during each activity should be helpful. This would require good self discipline and some difficult conversations with friends and family, but really required.

Relationship - I have been encouraging and teaching my daughter to play badminton since a year and half. She didn’t show much interest earlier, because maybe she was too small to have the right grip or have the required coordination. But I never stopped suggesting that game. Maybe that is why, she thinks I like the game. And despite a lot of other children playing different fun games around, she wanted to play badminton with me. Because she thinks I like it. Because she loves me. But if you ask me how many activities I do with her, because she likes it, there wouldn’t be many. It is the same with my younger daughter. Yes, I would give them chocolates, and ice creams, and they get their TV times, and play times and play dates. I teach them to cycle, swim, do their homework, etc. But you see how these are different from actually doing the things they want to do, with them. The way my daughter wanted to spend thirty minutes with me on a game of badminton (which she was also enjoying) – it has a different quality of time spent in the relationship than me teaching them how to cycle or swim. Nothing is being achieved, no milestones are being met or learning happening. It is just time spent purely with each other. That is so much required in our relationships, and my 7 year old daughter is teaching me that. I have so much to learn from these kids.

An expert on parenting taught me about “special time” in her Parenting group. This is the best solution to address the above issues of time, distraction and relationship with my children. If you are a parent like me, maybe its time you do this too. Every day.  It goes this way - 

Special time, means that I decide on 30 mins or 1 hr of time everyday, which I should spend with each of my children separately. In this time, the child decides how to spend the time, and I just take her lead. I do not try to teach or make her learn, or change what she wants to do. I go with her completely, as she wants. If she wants to watch TV in her special time, then I sit and watch with her. Even if in the whole day, I am busy, this small special time of 30 minutes will create the connect with the child which will make her feel cared and loved and that she matters.