THE UNEXPECTED WHEN YOU ARE DONE EXPECTING

(Perfunctory warning: this is way too serious)

When you are expecting, everyone either talks about pregnancy or the baby. There are numerous advice, warnings as well as cute little memories they share with you. But no one tells you about the period after your baby is born. After all each person experiences it very differently.

In my case – I was devastated. Truly. I had never been incapacitated before. I was tired due to what my body had undergone in the nine months and the sleepless nights weren’t helping. Every inch of my body hurt and it was a huge attempt to just move. I was so depressed that I could see literally myself sinking down the pit. It was made worse by everyone’s obvious elation to see the baby. I was surrounded by family and friends but never felt so lonely or lost before. In addition to that, I would feel so guilty for feeling low at a time like this – when the much awaited baby is finally in my arms. It was supposed to be a happy occasion. I had imagined I would be smiling and jumping around in joy. I had seen others doing it when their baby was born. But not me – all I could do was grimace with pain and despair.

Nobody could understand how I feel, as I couldn’t express myself clearly. Every time I opened my mouth – to ask for help or support – it would invariably become something else – a complaint or whine. I imagined that my family was looking at me with accusing eyes – they seemed to be asking me – “why cant you enjoy with you baby”.

I was afraid of my tiny baby. She seemed like this tiny, delicate, alien thing which needed care but I felt incapable to do anything. It didn’t help that the baby didn’t seem to differentiate between me and anyone else – with the only exception being that she would cry her heart out when I would pick her up. It made me feel so inadequate – as if the baby knew that I was not a good and caring mom.

I didn’t know that it was medical in nature – everything I was going through. I finally got a breakthrough with the help of a friend and a doctor. Post partum depression can be very debilitating. It lasted for almost 3 months. Three months of pain, tiredness, depression and confusion. I understood that this is not a big deal – this depression happens to many, and it eventually fades out. But the damage it did to my self esteem and confidence is tremendous. For a person who was fiercely independent, I had become this person who could not think on her own and had to take other’s advice for everything. Taking simple decisions became the most agonizing task. The extent of the damage was so much that I am still putting together the shattered pieces of my self esteem. Its been 8 months now, and I am finally beginning to see the bright light. I am still just a fraction of the person I was before, but I am patient. I know it will take time, but I will come out a better person.

Now that I look back I see that the whole experience didn’t have to be this way. I think things would have been better if -

-  I knew about the physical pain and tiredness which would come in after giving birth – I would have tried to rest without feeling guilty.

- I would have taken time to know how to take care of myself and baby. I should have prepared for it and focused on it instead of the depression.

- I knew that babies cry and do not sleep in the initial few weeks. That it was ok, and that babies are stronger than we imagine.

- I had sought medical counseling right in the beginning, so that I could have handled it better.

          - People around me would not have kept telling me how their times and experience was different – that they only remember enjoying with their baby and it was so easy for them.

          - I had my closest people around me rather than those who were available. Despite their care and attention, I felt pressure to act normal and fine while all I wanted to do was scream.

          - I could share with others how I felt without feeling guilty – so that I could have got their support. I needn’t have done this all alone.

          - I could break some of the Indian post partum traditions and just could have got out and done things to cheer myself up.

I write this not to complain about post partum times or about how bad it was. This was my way to get it all out of my system. After all the safest time to write about an experience is when it is over and done with.