THE TWO YEAR ITCH

I am sure you wouldn’t have heard of this before. That’s because I coined the term – the two year itch, just a few moments ago. This is the story behind the term.

I have been quite restless since a few weeks. So uneasy, that it was evident in my previous post and a few people pointed it out to me. Hence I decided I should do something about it. 

This is what I did – I sat down to think. I emptied my mind of all trivial things, memories and judgments. I thought really hard….Why am I restless? But nothing happened. No profound epiphany happened. I didn’t  give up. I took a sheet of paper and started writing about how I was feeling. I thought it would give me clarity. I penned down a few lines before I had a sudden realization. I had done this before. This wasn’t the first time I have been writing those words. In fact this was not the first time I felt like that. There was an uneasy resemblance to something which I couldn’t remember. There was only one way out. I brought out my old diary, where I had stored inspiring thoughts from inspiring books and movies. And then I found it. The two year itch; the restlessness which came to me every alternate years in different forms, but still the same. And I had written it all down in the diary- all my hopes, fears and action plans; an attempt to inspire myself.

This itch, as I call it is a strange kind of feeling – an emptiness inside me. It is a question – what is the purpose, what am I doing in my life, is it good enough? It all started when I achieved all my childhood dreams and goals. Everyone has them – you know-  travel to a new country, get a great job, money, clothes, house, and education, find the love of your life (not in that order though), etc….. Well I fulfilled them all. Suddenly there was nothing else to do. Nothing to strive or work hard for. Somewhere in the process of becoming an adult I had stopped having new dreams. Nothing looked even half as important or challenging as the childhood goals. I wonder why.

All this is too philosophical for a 30 year old mum, taking care of her baby alone. There is just no time to even breathe. But these thoughts, this restlessness still creeps into my mind. When I look back, I had taken up a new activity every time I had felt this way – trekking, baking, designing clothes, etc. The easiest way out was to work. Work takes up all time and mind space, and I always turned to it in times of confusion and distress. But these activities do not have the appeal or challenge like the activities I did as a youngster – like working hard to get into a good college. 

I do not know what would make me feel differently. Maybe it is good to feel this way. This will keep me going, help me learn and experience new things, aim higher and keep me going. I trust my mind and I think it is telling me to get some action. Now I have to go back to being a child, and find myself some fat, juicy, impossible looking, important goals. That should be a good cure for now.