4. FREEDOM & FEAR

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

We need to understand freedom. Do we really want to be free? Maybe we do not want to be free of every burden; we want to keep some of our pleasures and satisfying complex ideologies and get rid of only those which cause us pain. So is it really freedom, if we want to be free from pain, from anxiety from anger. Freedom from something is just a reaction, and hence not freedom at all.

Freedom is entirely different from any reaction, inclination or desire. One can be free from a dogma, easily, by kicking it out. The motive for that could be that dogma was no longer convenient, fashionable, reasonable, popular, etc. These are mere reactions. Like the hippies. Their revolt to the society led to conformity in another thing – the hippies. It is not real freedom.  Real freedom means, that the mind is free from every dependence, slavery, acceptance, conformity. Do we want such a freedom? Such freedom means solitude, a mind which is completely alive without any dependence on stimulation, experience and ideas. Freedom of this kind means aloneness, solitude. It is only in this solitude that one can be in a real relationship with another – without any dominance, no friction and dependence. Is this what every individual demands and insists upon – a freedom in which there is no leadership, no tradition, no authority?

Similarly when we say we want to be free from fear, it is just a reaction. Not real freedom. We just want to be free from pain, not the pleasure. But pain is the shadow of pleasure. Both are not separable.

One of the main features of fear is the non acceptance of what one is and the inability to face oneself. We as human beings are products of time, culture, experience, knowledge of a thousand years. Can a mind which is brought up in this culture ever have this kind of freedom? We are never in solitude as we mentioned above. We are not alone. We are a bundle of memories, handed down through centuries. In understanding solitude one will begin to understand the necessity of living with oneself as one actually is . Not as one thinks how one ought to be or as one has been. Look at oneself without any false modesty, without any fear, any condemnation or justification – just live with what one actually is.

Living with oneself doesn’t mean get used to or to accept oneself. In observing myself I find that I am jealous, anxious or violent, and I live with it, I observe, because only then can I understand it. But it is not like how we get used to the sound of river or wind – we don’t realise it after a couple of days. I cannot accept my violence or get used to it. I have to take care of it like a newly planted tree – protect it from sun and wind. In the same way I have to care for my violence or anxiety, and love it and observe it. Not love being anxious, but rather watch it closely and then I see my relationship with anxiety or violence and then there is not conflict.

This is not easy, to live with oneself, and observe oneself always without becoming morbid, depressed or elated. This is one of the major reasons for fear – we don’t want to live with what we are.

Should fear be divided into the conscious and unconscious fears? Or is there just fear, which we translate into different forms. Like Desire is always the same – only objects of desire change. Similarly maybe be fear is same, but it translates into different fears. How can one look at fear which is indivisible and not fragmentary, without the fragmentation which the mind has cultivated. How to look at fear as a whole with a fragmented mind? Thought – the whole process of machinery of thinking- is fragmentation, it breaks up everything. Thought also, is always old and never free. Thought is the reaction of memory and memory is old. Hence when our mind uses thought to look at fear as a whole, it cant. Thought reduces fear into fragments.

Mind can only look at total fear when there is no movement of thought.

3. PLEASURE

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

We are all pursuing pleasures of our own, not only through our relationships, achievements and entertainments – but also, seeking greater experience, greater knowledge, greater understanding of life are also pursuits of pleasure in different forms. Even this search for faith, and belief in God – is that too not a pursuit which is tinged with pleasure?

Let us look at pleasure without justifying it or condemning it or ignoring it. Pleasure is a basic demand of our life – finding it, continuing that pleasure, nourishing it, sustaining it, and when there is no pleasure, life becomes dull, stupid and meaningless. Tiresome too.

But why does the mind seek pleasure always? Of course pleasure is sensory reactions – to a beautiful face or the clear blue sky or the flow of a river. But then there comes the memory. And we want yesterday’s pleasure repeated in the form a sensory reaction because we remember how it was. So the mind basically demands further experience of that sensory reaction. So thought plays a big role in pleasure.

It is like this. I see a beautiful sunset. It is captured in my memory. Thought comes in and begins to think about it and says ‘how beautiful it was when for a moment ‘I was absent, along with all my problems, tortures etc. And that remains, as thought is sustained by thought. So desire is sustained and nourished by thought. And when we are denied what the thought wants, there is pain, conflict and fear.

Fear and pleasure are two sides of the same coin. We want pleasure. And when we don’t get that pleasure we get pain. And this pain brings with it - fear. Fear of the pain of not getting what we want. This fear is not only the fear of death, of not being at all, of isolation, but also fear about what others think of you, and the fear of not living up to the images one has created for himself. Fear of not just the unknown but also of the known. Simple example is - if I want to be famous and I don’t get to be – what happens to me? A more complex example would be if I believed in an ideology for years, and then that ideology is shaken, torn away from me by logic or life – then I feel alone, empty handed, stranded and then fear begins. Till I find another belief, another pleasure.

How does one resolve this fear? By suppressing it? By denying it? There is only one way to resolve fear – that is to know oneself. Only self knowledge can provide freedom from pleasure and fear.

To know oneself is a complex, continuous moving thing. To know yourself you must have a mind in which there is no sense of comparision or judgement or justifying or condemning. A mind that has understood the nature of pleasure and fear can live at peace with itself and the world.

2. CONFLICT

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

We are always in conflict. With our most intimate ones, with our neighbours, with the society. There seems to be a deep rooted conflict within us, which expresses in the form of antagonism, hate, desire to dominate, possess, guide another’s life. We have found ways to trim off some branches of this conflict, but is it possible that there is no conflict within us, so that there is no conflict outside too?

There are several organizations which try to bring peace to mankind. Communists, materialists, socialists, religion, etc. They believe that bringing about order outside, through rules, regulations, sanctions etc, there can be freedom from aggression and hence from conflict. But does it work?

There are also people who say that bringing order inside – though believing in some idealogy or principle and living according to those inward established laws will lead to removal of conflict.

But can conflict be resolved through conformity? Whether we do it willingly or forced. We seemed to have tried everything – obedience, revolt, conformity and everything in order to live in peace. But it doesn’t seem to work. Would it not be worthwhile to find out if man can live in peace inwardly, without any form of compulsion, suppression etc. A state of tranquillity which knows no disturbance at any moment. Is this possible?

On a different note :- We all think that inward order can only come about through time, that tranquillity can be built little by little everyday. But time does not bring about inward peace. We have had centuries on this earth but still the peaceful mind is elusive. It is very important to put a stop to time, so as not to think in terms of gradualness. It means there is no tomorrow for you to be peaceful. You have to do it right now, this moment, no other moment.

Why do we have this inner conflict? Why do we have to live with it everyday? It leads to the nature of desire. Desire is a contradiction – It basically means we want something which we do not have. If we observe desire without condemning or justifying it, we can see that desire is the cause of all contradiction in us – we want pleasure and we want to avoid pain.

We want this, must avoid that, want pleasure, achievements, pleasure of dominating etc. When we do not get these, there is the pain of not achieving – which is a contradiction. This contradiction cannot end if we do not understand desire. There are many who are interested in understanding desire. Mostly religious people. They have understood that desire is the root of issues, so they say desire must be suppressed, destroyed, controlled. Did it work? Suppression, distortion and conformity did not lead to the truth.

Why shouldn’t there be desire? What is wrong with it? We see a beautiful cloud, a beautiful house or face and we have an immense pleasure looking at it. What is wrong with it? The process of desire is simple. It starts with seeing, contact, then there is sensation and then thought interferes with it, and desire arises. We see a beautiful light on the cloud, and it would be absurd not to enjoy it. But thought dwells upon it and makes it into a pleasurable memory, and it wants that pleasure to be repeated.

Thought interferes with sensation and makes it into memory, and the desire for the pleasure of that memory is given continuity and sustained by thought, nourished by thought.

So lets look at it this way. I am dull and stupid. The response to that would be that I want to be more clever, intelligent and brighter. I am something and I want the opposite – hence there is a contradiction already – a conflict which wastes energy. But could I live with that stupidity, that dullness, without wanting the opposite, without the contradiction? Then it would not be dull at all. It doesn’t mean that I am satisfied with myself. Can I just look at my dullness without introducing any factor? Can I look at the beautiful house, pretty bird or tree without any contradiction? Desire, which is created by thought, is all about bringing this division, this contradiction.

So to have inward peace and a mind not at conflict at any time, we have to understand the whole nature of thought and desire, and that understanding can only come when thought doesn’t breed further conflict.

On a different note :- We never ask ourselves why we dream. So our mind is never at rest, whether awake or asleep. If we are able to rest our minds, without any dreams or conflicts or problems, then the mind can renew itself, become fresh, young and innocent. Anyways, why do we dream? It is because during the day our mind is occupied with so many things – work, children, entertainment, duties, trees, rivers etc. There is no hint of the unconscious. When the surface mind is very occupied, the unconscious underneath has no relationship with it.  So when you sleep and the surface mind is somewhat quite, thats when the deeper layers intimate their own demands, their own conflicts and agonies. But it is a waste of energy – this whole process. IF we are AWAKE during the day, watching every thought, every feeling, every movement of the mind, our emotions, our insecurities, watching our reactions when flattered or insulted or neglected, watching the trees, water and everything around, outside and inside, then the whole of the consciousness – inner and outer is opened up. IF we do this, watch our mind in operation, our feelings, our heart, our reactions, if we see ourselves and our relationships with outside world and inward too, then the mind becomes extraordinary – always renewing itself, because there is no conflict at it, it is always fresh. Such a mind is by nature, very quite, tranquil, silent. It is only such a life that can see the beauty of life and is beyond time. 

1. ENERGY

 Summarizing Talks with JD Krishnamurti - Part 1

Covid times has been challenging for everyone. One of the key challenges, has been the time to yourself. All that time with myself has been very illuminating. Maybe access to certain things raised a lot of questions. One of them was this book – Talks and Dialogues, JD Krishnamurti. Oh!! What kind of things he asks from us!!! 

I will attempt to summarize though excerpts on what I understood from this book. But I keep feeling this understanding is like an onion (just like everything else). I peel layers after layers and yet there seem to be more before I could reach the core. If I try to do this in one post, it will end up too long. So I am going to write this as a series of posts, covering each chapter and the topic it discusses. So lets jump into it.

ENERGY

We all want to be free from the psychological structure of society. In order to do that we need to understand our relationship with society and be free from it; we need immense energy and vitality.

But this energy has to be free from any motivation or stimulation. Stimulation can be psychological (achievements, relationships, entertainment, religion, beliefs etc) or drugs. If we are dependent on any stimulation for the energy we need, then that stimulation makes the mind dull. Because, all stimulation leads to dependence eventually, and this dependence will not allow us to have the energy to see clearly for ourselves.

Can we find out why are we so dependent psychologically? If we discover the cause of our dependence, can we be free of it? A mind is freed from dependence in seeing the total picture of this cycle of stimulation and dependence and how this dependence makes the mind insensitive and dull.

But do we know how to see a picture totally? Without fragmenting it into good or bad, love and hate, anxiety and depression. We seem to see things only in duality and never the complete picture. We see in parts, for example, as an Indian, we see the world through a little window with Indian colored glass, with its traditions, ritiuals and culture, and we never see the whole of mankind. In order to see the total picture, mind must be free from fragmentation.

By fragmentation, JD means division, like good or bad, yours or mine, nationalism, religion etc. And division means conflict. If we think that we are not in conflict by just following and accepting the rules and authority, then it is not true. The authority may be good or bad, holy or otherwise. It doesn’t matter, because as long as there is a difference between ‘what is’ and ‘what should be’, there will be conflict. And all conflict leads to waste of energy.

On a parallel note : - We are always comparing what we are to what we should be. We compare ourselves with out neighbour who is richer, more bright, more intelligent, more beautiful, more kind, more affectionate, more and more and more. This measuring of ourselves with something seems so important to us. This measuring is one of the primary causes of conflict.

To understand why we divide everything, we need to see the centre from which one is looking. What is the centre? It is our background, as a Catholic, as a Hindu, as a woman, as a Socialist, as a family, etc. So as long as we are seeing things from a ‘point of view’ based on our experiences as any of the above, we cannot see things in totality. But can we get rid of this fragmentation in our mind? That is a wrong question. Because we see how we are psychologically dependent, and we see intellectually why we are dependent – but this discovery itself is fragmented because it is done by our ‘thought’. Any investigation done by ‘thought’ is fragmented (more in detail on this in the coming posts).

We can see the total picture only when thought doesn’t interfere, and we see things as they are and not intellectually. For example, we see a tree, for a fact, without like or dislike. That is what JD means by saying seeing factually, not intellectually. So the point is when we observe, and observe without any centre (without any point of view, direction etc), observe without any thinking – then we can see the total picture.

And when we see the total picture, there is freedom.

On a parallel thought :- What is this freedom you ask? This is when the mind is free from the psychological structure of the society, for then, there is no conflict, there is no seeking, there is not asking, no desire. Then one can see the truth of a life in which there is no conflict at all. Then one can look at life, neither accepting nor rejecting, not comparing, or condemning or justifying – just look and understand.

This all seems too much. But if you wait, and read through the coming posts, each of the topic touched above is discussed in detail, and explained.

DECISIONS

 I watched the Dead Poet’s Society yesterday, again. The last time I saw it, I was in college. It had left a very strong impression in my mind. Carpe Diem! Seize the day. It remained a persistent and romantic theme in all these years since. 

This is about decisions and how they make you feel. This is about Neil. Can you imagine a young seventeen year old, all fresh and excited about life. He is very good – in academics and socially. But more important is his courage. His friends are brave too, but he is a natural leader. When he proposes, to reconvene the Dead Poet’s Society, he does not bother to convince them. He knows; the thrill of doing something dangerous and completely against the rules would be enough to bring his friends along. They convince themselves! It is so refreshing to watch them. They love every moment of their meetings. Not because they were breaking the rules. But they were doing something for themselves, reading and writing poetry for themselves. Otherwise, their lives were governed by authorities, who were determined that they spent every moment in bettering themselves academically, for the future where they would become bankers, doctors and lawyers.

Then comes the day when Neil’s courage is tested. He can’t speak against his father who wants him to focus on becoming a doctor. While his hearts wants to do something else. “I am trapped” he says to his teacher. He is just so young. Dependent on his parents for everything, especially for approval. He feels suffocated in his father’s dreams, and by his own desires. What does he do? He chose out of life. You might think that he choose an easy way out. But can you imagine how trapped he must have felt? To be so good at something he loved, but knowing that there is no chance of it in the present or future. It is rare for people to discover what they like to do, and even rare to find themselves good at it. And here he was, with his glorious discovery, only to find that the doors are shut for him. I repeat, he was just a kid. He didn’t give himself the time to find out how things actually happen. He just chose out.

But imagine how calm he must have felt after taking that last final decision. He wasn’t trapped anymore. Nothing could touch him or hurt him now. He was free from his own desires and those of others. He didn’t need approval for his last action; he wasn’t bothered about the repercussions. Can you imagine that freedom? Death can be liberating.

What if instead, life was like this? If we could feel so liberated in life too?

CHASING EXCITEMENT

They say some books stay with you forever. In my case, almost every book I have read has stayed with me a while. I could make a list, but that would be insufferable. Not long ago, I read the book ‘The power of Moments’ which talks about how “we all have defining moments in our life – meaningful experiences that stand out in our memory”. Most of the times, these moments are accidental. But the authors question us “why leave our most meaningful, memorable moments to chance when we can create them”. I looked back at my life, and after recollecting almost all of the important moments chronologically, I decided they were not enough. From that moment on I have been silently obsessed with creating moments for my children. I wanted to create these little and big moments of fun and crazy experiences which they will look back with fondness.

Ever since then I have been chasing excitement. Sometimes it was as simple as eating out, which is quite rare for us. The kids were bursting with excitement to sit in their own chairs opposite me at the table in the restaurants, and would giggle away at silly things and at the menu cards as they chose what they would eat. It would take hours to decide on what to order and when the food did arrive, they would be fighting over each other on who gets the bigger portion. It didn’t matter that they never actually ate any of it, and it all ended up in my stomach.

Other times it had been going over for a chat with a friend after dinner, but instead staying over till the early hours of the next day. The kids would have played every available game in that house, and seen multiply movies and in the end, they all would have fallen asleep among each other, arm and legs in a tangled mess among the sheets. Finally we had to identify and separate each of our children and carry them home to complete their sleep in their respective beds. In the morning, the children are so surprised about how they reach back!

Another time we packed a picnic lunch, took a few toys, gathered a few friends and went in search of the elusive riverside picnic spot, something I remembered from years ago. We didn’t know the road to take neither did we know the name of the place. We just knew the direction, and so we drove hoping to find that memory lodged in my brain. Instead we found an amazing river bank, where the mountain stream turned a corner. And we had one of the best ever day out! There was sand, there were rocks, there was the soft bubbling of the rivers, there were kids squealing and jumping around, there was so much fun.

There have been other events of making giant bubbles, candles, festivals celebrated with grandeur, camping with the tent inside the house during the rains, spending hours on the hammock in the garden, and many other such attempts to create memories.

There hasn’t been much going out since the covid restrictions and also because of the summer. But the seasons have been changing, and I could feel the onset of autumn with the slight chill in the air. So today I got this crazy idea to have a picnic. It is crazy because we cannot go out far due to travel restrictions. But I really wanted to create some excitement. It has been too long, and I have to keep the spirit of making moments alive. So what if all I could do right now, was to eat somewhere outside, and far from home. That is how I defined a picnic to my kids. And they were hooked. Within half an hour, we had packed a lunch, and armed with our lovely bright picnic mat, we set out in the car looking for a place to have lunch outside. I overestimated the chill in the air; it was positively hot out there. After looked at every place in the area where we are allowed to venture out, we couldn’t find a single, private, clean and shaded place where we could have our picnic. My little one was getting fidgety. She was wondering about was this picnic for which we seem to be searching forever. She tried to console me, “it’s ok mama, let’s go home”. But my elder one was determined not to eat inside the house, neither in the garden. “You said, a picnic is eating out and away from home”, she reminded me. So we continued on our search. I was a little disappointed in not finding a good place, when I remembered something. There is always a way. So I drove back to the children’s park near our house. And lo, behold, I found the perfect picnic spot - shaded by the trees, with a gentle breeze blowing, and with a carpet of thick green grass. We needed no further encouragement. We set up our picnic mat and placed our hamper down, and instantly we felt as if we were far away from everything around. I know all we did was to find a place to eat outside. But all the excitement was there in the planning, and searching for the place. Target achieved for today. For the rest, there is tomorrow.  

Note: the pronoun keeps changing from 'I' to 'we' whenever my husband has been there with us for these adventures, which has been rare in the last several months. I really wish that all our further adventures will have a 'we' instead of 'I'.

DESTINY VS AWARENESS

 

I am confused.

There is the alchemist and similar books saying that we all have a destiny, which we knew when we were young but have forgotten over the years, and other baggage makes it impossible to either see the destiny or try to achieve it. Then it also talks about how destiny can be changed if you work towards it. It talks about omens and how the universe conspires to help you achieve your destiny. It is so wonderful to read and listen and all that. But what if you don’t know your destiny? What if you don’t know what you want in life/with life/from life?

Then there are these books on zen and meditation and all that. It says that the world is just the way it is. We are just the way we are. It says if we accept this, and just go about our lives, being really aware and awake in moment, that’s enough. No amount of achievement or material gains or love will give us what we are looking for. It talks about trusting the universe. It talks about how conflict is created by this duality of me vs you, me vs nature, me vs other. And all such conflicts is eradicated when we realise that everything and every person is one. It talks about why do we want to improve ourselves – because it we who have to do the improving to ourselves – how does that work? It is like the iron is trying to beat itself into shape. The question of destiny and universe conspiring to help us doesn’t fit in here. Because we are the universe.

So you see….my confusion. Should I spend my days searching the destiny and trying to achieve it, or should I just go about my days doing what I feel like and just being here?