HOW I LEARNT THAT I AM NOT SPECIAL

As long as I remember back, I believed that “I am unique and special. I am so intelligent, smart, polite, well read and the nicest person I ever knew.” I collected evidences to prove this to myself.  I got the best grades in my class at school, I was the school captain and all the teachers I liked, liked me back. It was only a few years later I understood that best in class meant nothing in a small sample size, 'school captain' happened due to a lot of campaigning by peers as they liked none of the other nominees and teachers had a soft corner for almost everyone in the class, as they saw them grow up over the years. But this experience was unnerving, and laid its first brick of doubt in my mind. Maybe I am a little less special than I thought.

Then this happened several times over the years. I thought I was the righteous one in grad school, taking on the role of class representative as a self sacrifice. Years later, I understood that the self sacrifice part was not required at all and no wonder my classmates were not obliged or falling over my feet in gratefulness because they never asked me to do those things. It was all me. Being in that role was the only thing which differentiated me from the others and made me special. But, a few more leadership roles, years and several grey hairs later, wisdom took my hand and lead me to the mirror of truth. There is absolutely nothing special about me.  

Seeing the truth was brutal (especially for my ego) and .......extremely liberating. Believing myself special in some way always felt heavy, felt like a great responsibility. Felt that I should do 'big, amazing things' in life, what with all my gifts! This kind of thinking was a problem, when I was choosing my education, career or life partner! It led to confusion and being non committal. Basically the question - what the hell should I be doing or pursing in order to do these 'big amazing things' - riddled me a long time? And this 'big, amazing things' thought also troubled me deeply in later stages when all I wanted was to live a simple, quiet, satisfied life.

It took me some time to accept my non – specialness and soon I realised how much lighter it feels without lugging my ego everywhere I go or in whatever I think. It also released me of any entitlement I felt. Yes, the entitlement that we feel we all deserve, to have the things we want, whether we worked for it or not. We are all pretty average people after all. Maybe, just maybe, some of us are a little exceptional in one thing, but in the rest of the things we are average or maybe below others. That is a bitter pill to swallow. But think of this – we are afraid to accept our mediocrity and non-specialness because we believe that if we accept it, we will never achieve anything, never improve and that our life won’t matter. That is exactly what is wrong. If we consider our life worthwhile only if we do 'big amazing things', then most of humanity is worthless because they are not doing anything like that. They are just surviving.

Life has been pretty simple and easy over the last few years since I have understood my position in the bell curve. I am free of anxiety and pressure to prove myself. Ego is a bad loser and many a times tries to come back and raise the dust storm, clouding my vision. But that’s the thing about seeing the truth. Once you see it, you cannot un see it. No matter the storm!

P.S. 1 - Anyone who has become great and exceptional have become so by believing that they are not special, by believing that they should keep trying, keep improving, remain committed to their art/work.

P.S. 2 – I am reading Mark Manson’s book and though I didn’t like the beginning, the second half of the book is quite good. Point is, that I am writing this post highly influenced by what I read there.

P.S. 3 - I might still go on to do 'big, amazing things' but then consider it a side effect of losing the pressure of proving myself. 

P.S. 3 – I should make an acronym for ‘ big, amazing things’ and take a copywright license or something. 

THE DIVINER

So I am the official things ‘diviner’ of the house. My children and husband were always losing things in the house, and could never find them. I taught them how to search – “use your hands, not just your eyes to look for your things. Lift up the dump of clothes on the bed and look under. Remove the pile of books and stationary on the table and check for your thing”, I say. But to no avail. They just could never find them. And then I would have to go to their rescue. I challenged them that it wouldn’t take me more than 2 minutes to find the thing which they have been looking for since morning. Could you guess what my average time for finding those lost things – it takes me less than a minute!! Every single time!! They even timed me with a clock timer to check. When I hand them over their lost thing, they look at me in wonder. “Mama, you have got magic!” - their refrain.

I know I don’t have any magic. I believe that I would be able to find it. I believe in it very strongly, of course, ruled by logic. A non living thing cannot suddenly grow legs and leave the house. It has to be there somewhere. We are just not trying hard enough.  This belief is lacking in my kids and husband. I tried to instil this confidence and belief in them many times. But it was easier for them to ask for my help, knowing that I would find it within seconds, than taking the bother to develop the belief in themselves and search for their stuff.

So inspired by a reel I saw in Instagram the other day, I took a radical decision. I was going to charge my husband and children money for looking for their ‘unfindable’ things. Once I told my decision to them, there were loud protests and disbelief in their eyes. I cannot do that – they said. I didn’t budge. The first thing I had to look for was my husband’s credit card. It was a very important thing to look for, so I charged double. And I collected my payment in advance, before looking. That was my trust in my own ability to find lost things. What do you think happened? OF course, I found the credit card within the stipulated time. Of course I charged my children too for their first lost thing of the day. Can you guess what happened next?

That was the last thing I had to ever look for over the past couple of months. They never asked me again to look for their things. They found it very frustrating to search for their stuff, but it was more frustrating to give me their hard earned pocket money. Earlier they would make me do their work for them for free, and now I charged them for it . I went on to live happily ever after in peace!

Moral of the story in case it was lost in my narration – Believe in yourself – that you can do it, And charge your family for making use of your brain instead of theirs!

FAMILY'S WEATHER VANE

The mother in the family is the person who decides the tone, the mood of the entire family. If she is happy, everyone is happy. If she is serious, it is very difficult for the rest of the family to be happy and cheerful! I wonder why?

I saw it in my house in my childhood. My mother was very serious and industrious. There was always a lot of work, and she never found the time to relax or ‘just chill’ with us. There was always something to do around the house. If there was nothing, she could hunt out a chore with the speed at which a mouse can find cheese! There were very few moments of joy or fun. And when they were there, it felt as if it was a gift! Something unique and special. The atmosphere at our house was quiet, with a tension hanging in the air. I remember all the times I pretended to study to avoid doing the never ending list of chores.

I observed the same with my mother in law. Just as work defined my mother, fear defines my mother in law. She is a unique combination of fear and positivity, which made her a defiant devotee. A huge part of her life is determined by religious rituals and auspicious dates and times and it is bound to trickle or rather pour down on the family. This ensured that free moments were spent in either planning or executing some rituals/traditions or visits to temples.

Now I define the mood in my family. The girls and husband get to have fun only if I am in a good mood. I try my best to not have this kind of influence on them. But it seems impossible. If I am low, everyone is so quiet. My girls would tiptoe around me or try to cheer me up in ways they know. My husband would make my favourite dish or crack dad jokes to cheer me up. I wish they would leave me alone, and not spoil their day. When I am pissed, everyone gets a dose of my sarcasm – no exceptions. It sends everyone running around clearing up surfaces or throws them into their own temper tantrums. And if I am cheerful, the house is filled with noise, laughter, excitement and music.

I never knew that we play such an important rule. This is raw power in the hands of the woman/mother of the family. A power which we should use with discretion and ensure the kind of memories our family would hold close to its heart. Will keep that in mind.

INVESTING IN PEOPLE

I attended a friend’s wedding, years ago. In addition to me, she had 3 other friends attending the event. But the groom had 100 friends there! I was awestruck. I didn't even know a hundred people in my life - a tiny fraction of them being such good friends that they turn up at my wedding! 

Okay! enough about weddings. But we have all seen such people. People who make friends easily and have so many they could just call and get together anytime and anyplace. People who are at ease among others and not awkward or weird. They do seem to have boundaries or trust issues. They do not need ‘me time’ or ‘alone time’. They don’t mind going off somewhere in the middle of the day or night if their friends call them. They like to be out and with people and generally are fun and seem to be having a great time. 

Then there are people like me. The opposite. We like being alone. We like to think. We are serious. We are introverts and like being quiet. However, we also keep away from people because of all the above. We do not completely trust others, because they are either like us (hence not completely open) or opposite to us (hence will not understand us). So we don’t make friends that much or that easily. We need our alone time, time to introspect, unwind, calm down and process our feelings and thoughts. But this time is also time away from other people! 

The result of this is that people like me become isolated. Usually we don't mind that. We are called loners for a reason. Being with ourselves is great - when things are going great. However life isn't always the same. Sometimes, we are sick, or lonely or need help. All of which requires people. And then we have nobody. No one to call and talk about how crazy the week has been. No one who can come help us pick furniture for the house because we have no idea about home decor. No one to drive us to the hospital when we are sick and can't think straight. 

People like me don't invest in building relationships. It takes too much effort, time and energy out of me. I would rather write this article than make that long overdue call to my friend. Result? People move away. No wonder we don't have many friends.  But what we don't realise is that we have to spend time and effort with people on our good days - when we don't need them, in order for them to be there during our bad days. Well that really doesn't guarantee that they will be there when you need them. That is where the numbers matter. Have so many people in your life that someone will be there when you need them.

I agree, that is a very depressing view or reason to have relationships. I mean, we are putting away precious hours of good days just to insure against bad days, and we never even know if the insurance pays. But isn't that what we do with money? or health? We put away a sizable chunk of money to be invested so that we have more later, especially when we need it. Are not all investments subject to some amount of risk? We sweat and spend hours in the gym and working out so that our knees and back continue to support us for as long as we are alive! But we never know if we are going to live that long! In every aspect of life we invest today in order to reap better benefits later on.  So why can't we think similarly in terms of relationships?

Please don’t go all virtuous on me, and say that relationships are not like money and should be treated as sacrosanct and not transactional. We all know that relationships are nothing but transactional. We give something to get something. Many continue to give without getting anything back because what they get out of the relationship is covert. So now that we are clear that people like me need relationships and friendships, we should invest regularly in them. It would mean making the calls, checking up on them, providing help if and when required, spending some time together, making plans with them and mostly getting out of my comfort zone. We have to give family and friends something which they want - our time and interest. When they make plans - join them. When they have an event or win - celebrate with them. When they are crying or cribbing - console them. We know the list. 

There is one major caveat to this whole thing. All the above is only possible - we can give our time and interest to relationships - only when we like other people.  Genuinely, like people. That would require us to get off our pedestal and see people with empathy and not judgement. This is no easy feat for anyone, but then we cannot really fake through our relationships at all. It doesn't work that way.  Relationships might be transactional but they are genuine and real. At no point am I suggesting anyone to FAKE relationships!

Disclaimer - I am not suggesting introverts like me force myself to become extroverts and just go around tagging people on instagram. But rather, have a balance, and really spend time with a few close friends and family and be there for them. Because we need them. 

Disclaimer 2 : I could be completely and utterly wrong with this approach. But this is an experiment. Worth a try!

WAKE UP CALL

Yesterday I got cheated by an online shopping site for 1100/-. I felt terrible about it. All the signs of it not being a genuine site were present. But I had chosen not to pay attention to them. There is always something to do or plan or think about. So most of the time, I am walking around doing things while my mind is on something else. Just like this incident. I didn’t listen to my own intuition which told me several times that there was something not right with this transaction. But I didn’t pay attention to it. I didn’t even want that item I ordered so badly! In fact, I shop online once or twice a year! I could come up with so many excuses to rationalize my action, but that isn’t going to mask the truth that I just wasn’t being careful. 

This got me thinking, and wondering about all the other mistakes I had done. Very few of them had been due to lack of information or knowledge. Most of them had been due to carelessness. And carelessness is nothing but not paying attention. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I had told my daughters, to be careful. I have given examples and stories and guidelines and scolded them a thousand times because they didn’t care and something went wrong. Now I feel like a total hypocrite! So  I am feeling doubly bad – I was careless in a financial transaction, and I have been teaching something to the kids which I don’t practice myself. Okay, I am not beating myself all over about this. I have already forgiven myself for this. But every experience is an opportunity to learn something and become a little better at living. So this post is about that.

I have a feeling everyone lives like this. But just for the sake of not being a hypocrite (for my daughters) I need to change.  How can I be more careful in the way I live? How do I be careful in everything I am doing? I do pay attention occasionally – when I am writing, or driving or helping the kids with their homework, or telling a story. But never am I completely there when I am cooking or walking or exercising or the zillion other things which fills my days. My mind is always busy with some thoughts. It is not quite, nor is it involved with the activity I am doing then. Is it because the activity is easy or monotonous or because I think I am so good at it that it doesn’t need my attention? This is normal right? A lot of our daily activities are automated. We don’t need to remember how to brush or wear our pants and all that. That is how we manage the sheer immense number of things we do in our modern life. But then sometimes incidents like this happen and I wonder if that is the best way to live? Maybe easier but is it really working?

Maybe this is what all the gurus and saints and people like J D Krishnamurti have been talking about – being in the moment. He talks so much about paying attention to everything happening around and within ourselves. Dan Millman in ‘Peaceful warrior’ said – there is always something happening, are we paying attention to it? If I was, I would still have my Rs1100/- and not  feel like a fool. But the problem is, I do not know how to pay attention all the time. Lets look at my excuses:

 It will be so tiring to use my brain so much all the time!

 It will be difficult to finish all the things I want to do if I am focussed on only the thing I am doing right now. For example while making lunch, my mind is busy making dinner plans and prepping them!

 I absolutely love the drama happening in my mind!

 I have emotions about everything and need to process them by thinking them through.

Well I have no clue if the above excuses are genuine or just excuses, but I need to try doing this to see if these excuses are genuine when I actually get down to paying attention to what I do. Project AATT is on (Attention All The Time)!!! I will report after 1 week, of doing this. 

Whom am I kidding? Do not expect any update for weeks or months or never!

CAN YOU TRUST YOUR MEMORY?

 I used to attend Indian classical dancing classes when I was 9 years old. I have vague memories of going every weekend, a uniform and trying to convert Bengali notes into English. The teacher was very strict. The dance school was above a grimy, noisy metal workshop. The sessions were tough and quite difficult. I remember coming home with trembling legs after every class due to all the practice. I quit the classes after a couple of years. I remember it was because I found it quite tough and wasn’t really interested in it. However, twenty years later, as I was talking to my mother about it, she said I quit dance because I wasn’t good at it. I was so surprised because that wasn’t what I remembered. However if Mom said it, it must be true, so I changed my belief about the reason I quit dancing. I tend to forget the past quite a lot – especially events and occasions, so I trusted her memory more than mine. As time passed, I found many inconsistencies in my mother’s memories about events in the past. That’s when I realised something, Mom doesn’t remember everything. If that was the case, was her memory of the reason for me quitting dance was really true? This realization gave me immense relief.

You would wonder why is it that I am dwelling on something so trivial and in the past. Well, because it contributes to the “story” or “narration” of my life and it decides how I think about myself, which in turn dictates my actions and belief system. Everything I do and think now, is due to these tiny, trivial data points which act like road map or guiding beacon. So this narrative of our life needs to be accurate. It cannot depend on inconsistent data given by my own memory or my mother’s. There is no way to go back in time and understand why I decided to quit dance. But the judgement which arises from the reasons behind the action, will shape what I think about myself. So there are two paths for me. Either I completely disregard this data point as having any bearing on my character or I change the narrative to something which suits my future goals.

Sometimes I feel that it is quite good that I forget the past so easily. Because memories are inconsistent. They are not completely true. We twist them into something either to suit a narrative we choose or to browbeat ourselves; unintentionally. So when I don’t remember whether I am good at dance or not, next time an opportunity to dance comes up, I would participate without any hesitation or baggage or pride about it. Can we live like that? Fresh page every time, every day? Would that be easier or worthwhile?

DISTRACTION

 “Mama”, screamed my seven year old daughter. She had this extremely irritated expression as she looked at me. We were playing badminton in front of our house. The reason for her irritation you ask? Well, it was me not giving her my attention completely. While playing badminton with her, I was also talking to a friend nearby, about something not trivial, but neither extremely important. This happened for the third time in a game of thirty minutes. The first time, a friend called to ask for a recipe which she needed because she was making dinner for guests. The second time, was because I was instructing the gardener about watering the plants and transplanting. By the third time, she really got upset and had to express her frustration as my distraction.

Later on in bed, when I asked her about it, she said “I really wanted to play badminton with you, because you like it. I was enjoying playing with you but you were not playing properly when you were talking to other people.” It hit me hard. Her profound wisdom!

Here was a seven year old, telling a thirty seven year old about how to manage time, about distraction, about relationship. This understanding is based on Nir Eyal’s book- Indistractable. I will explain below.

Time – We always feel there is so much to do, and there really is. But the problem doesn’t lie in the number of activities vs time available. It problem, is that while doing each activity, we are unable to immerse ourselves in it, or get in the flow of each, hence the dissatisfaction about incomplete work remains in the mind. This dissatisfaction makes us feel there is not much time but loads to do. Giving something complete attention gives greater sense of accomplishment rather than completing the task.

Distraction – Nir Eyal’s – suggests time blocked scheduled week which should include everything, even relaxation in it, in order to handle distractions. In this case, my distractions were talking to the different people in between a game of thirty minutes. This is exactly how the rest of my day goes. Everything I do is either interrupted by myself when I see some other task which needs attending to, or I get calls or people come over to talk. All this while I have two little children at home, which means, they could interrupt me anytime.

But it has rarely happened that I allow my children interrupt my tasks or my conversation. I have always asked them to wait while I finish what I am doing. So when I am doing something with my children, WHY CANT I ASK OTHERS TO WAIT? My daughter told me the solution to this, “tell them to go away, kindly but strictly.” Her vocabulary is limited, but what she meant was, tell others to not interrupt my time with my children. I think that is a very good solution. But not something very easy to do.

How can you tell your family and friends that you cannot listen to them because you are playing a game of badminton with your child? We all still have it deeply ingrained in our minds that adults and their problems and their conversations are more important than the children. We could use whatever words we want – we earn the bread, we have more responsibility, we have more tasks, we in reality help more people, etc...But none of them is completely true. Yes we have more things to do than children, but none of them is probably more important than spending than thirty minutes with the child. Equally important yes, but more important – NO. So why is it that I let everything interrupt my time with my child.

It is not fair also, because when I demand their attention, I do not allow them to be distracted at all. They have to pay completely attention to me when I am talking or teaching them something. Look at my double standards!

I have a friend, a working mother of two, who says she misses her children and rushes back to spend time with them. I am a stay at home mom, but I still don’t get much time completely with my children. I always wondered why. But now I have understood why. It is not just about priority – my children are my priority. But only in my mind. In actions, I am getting distracted always. So Nir Eyal’s suggestion – to timebox schedule my time, and not let distractions during each activity should be helpful. This would require good self discipline and some difficult conversations with friends and family, but really required.

Relationship - I have been encouraging and teaching my daughter to play badminton since a year and half. She didn’t show much interest earlier, because maybe she was too small to have the right grip or have the required coordination. But I never stopped suggesting that game. Maybe that is why, she thinks I like the game. And despite a lot of other children playing different fun games around, she wanted to play badminton with me. Because she thinks I like it. Because she loves me. But if you ask me how many activities I do with her, because she likes it, there wouldn’t be many. It is the same with my younger daughter. Yes, I would give them chocolates, and ice creams, and they get their TV times, and play times and play dates. I teach them to cycle, swim, do their homework, etc. But you see how these are different from actually doing the things they want to do, with them. The way my daughter wanted to spend thirty minutes with me on a game of badminton (which she was also enjoying) – it has a different quality of time spent in the relationship than me teaching them how to cycle or swim. Nothing is being achieved, no milestones are being met or learning happening. It is just time spent purely with each other. That is so much required in our relationships, and my 7 year old daughter is teaching me that. I have so much to learn from these kids.

An expert on parenting taught me about “special time” in her Parenting group. This is the best solution to address the above issues of time, distraction and relationship with my children. If you are a parent like me, maybe its time you do this too. Every day.  It goes this way - 

Special time, means that I decide on 30 mins or 1 hr of time everyday, which I should spend with each of my children separately. In this time, the child decides how to spend the time, and I just take her lead. I do not try to teach or make her learn, or change what she wants to do. I go with her completely, as she wants. If she wants to watch TV in her special time, then I sit and watch with her. Even if in the whole day, I am busy, this small special time of 30 minutes will create the connect with the child which will make her feel cared and loved and that she matters.

9. TRUTH

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

What are we seeking in life? Is our search based on our inclinations, our tendencies or circumstances? So which of them is our guide, or what shapes our urges, longings? All of us are seeking something – greater satisfaction, more and wider experience, and greater pleasure. Seeking more satisfaction and pleasures bring with its own shares of pains and fears. It is the same with allowing tendencies and inclinations to shape our search, it brings with it more bondage, pain and sorrows.

And there are some who are more serious and say they are seeking the truth. Truth is a dangerous word. Because search for truth cannot be achieved by a casual and intermittent drive. It requires a sustained and continuous looking, not in any particular direction but a total comprehension of life.

But if we are serious about life, then maybe we can start on the path to finding the truth. We must be serious about life – in everything we do – cooking or our relationship with another person, or in our search for the truth. We must be extraordinarily and vitally serious about everything in life, because each one of us is responsible for all the misery, all the wars, all the pain and all the drudgery there is in life.

Because each one of us is responsible for all the misery in life in the world, there is a need for a radical revolution within each one of us. Because each one of us is the individual and the society, both violence and peace, both love and hate and fear, and sometimes there is a great imbalance in us. We are not only responsible for the world, we are responsible for ourselves, in what we do, what we think, how we act and how we feel. Only if we are able to understand this mixture, this contradiction in us, only then would we be able to understand the path towards truth. Unless there is a radical transition in us, seeking anything is of little meaning.

Man has always been in search of the truth, since history can tell. He has been searching for an otherness, which we call God, which we call the timeless state, a thing which is not measurable, which is not nameable. Man has always sought that because his life is very dull, there is always death, old age, there is so much pain, contradiction, conflict and a meaningless-ness to life. We are caught in that and to escape from it, we want to find something more, something that won’t be destroyed by time, by thought, by any human corruption. Man has always sought it, and not finding it he has cultivated faith – faith in God, a savior, faith in an idea. But faith invariable breeds violence. When I have faith in an idea, a concept, I want to protect that idea, that ideology is a projection of myself, I identify with it and I want to protect it at any price. When I defend something, I must be violent. Over a period of time, nobody believes in anything anymore. Either one becomes cynical and bitter, or one invents a philosophy which will be satisfactory intellectually- but the main problem is not solved.

The main problem is – how to bring about a revolution in this world – not only outside but inside each one of us – a world of contradiction, a world of such anxiety. Only when such a radical change happens can we go further and seek the truth and the questions of if there is God, whether there is a timeless dimension, etc. When that transformation takes place inside us, we will be able to answer this question of truth and this seeking ourselves, within us. And this transformation needs to take place in each one of us.

So what can we do to change ourselves? Not the world, but first ourselves? Others have always told us how to over the centuries – kings, priests, thinkers, etc. But we haven’t come far based on that. We cannot depend on anybody, there is no guide, there is no teacher, there is no authority there is only oneself and one’s relationship with another and the world, there is nothing else. When one realizes that, he faces that, then

·       either it brings great despair from which comes cynicism, bitterness and all

·       or in facing this fact, he realises that one is totally responsible for oneself and for the world, nobody else.

When he faces that, all self – pity goes. Most of us thrive on self pity, blaming others, and this occupation does not give clarity.

So what can we do to live in this world, logically, rationally, sanely with a balance inside us, to live without any conflict, hate or violence? To find the answer we need to pay a great deal of attention. It is different from concentration. Concentration is an exclusive process, focussed on one thing blotting out the rest. Attention is not, it means to give complete attention, not a fragmentary or partial attention, that is, listen to the aeroplane going by, listen to the talk, see, hear and feel everything completely without any boundary/frontier (like concentration which puts up a wall).

So the first thing we need to do is to know ourselves completely – no hidden corners, or secret un- trodden recesses of the mind.

·       Either we do this carefully, step by step, through analysis through examination, through opening every layer of one’s consciousness – it means we will take time. To realise that I am angry, jealous, and to understand why, the motive of it, to uncover to unroll the vast and complex me – it will take time. It could take days, months, years and in this process there is always distortion going on because of other influences, pressures and strains.

·       Or I identify myself with something greater, with the nation or the state or the family or the idea of savior, of Buddha. I identify myself with that, a projection of myself, a conformity to pattern and this leads to more struggle.

So man has done this throughout ages – either gone inwards through introspection and analysis or he has identified himself with something or he has lived in a state of total negation, hoping something will happen.

These methods have not helped us know ourselves well. So there is this complex entity called “me” with all its contradictions and mixtures of things – Can I look at this “me” so completely and instantly that I understand the whole thing? We can only see the truth when the mind is not fragmented, when we see with totality. When you see yourselves totally, not just the fragments here and there, but the totality of your being, - that is the truth. So can we look at oneself so completely, so attentively that the whole of oneself is revealed in an instant? Most of us cannot do this because we have never approached the problem so seriously, we have never looked at ourselves. We blame others, we explain things away, we are frightened to look at ourselves and so on. You can only look when you give your whole attention. And in such an attention there is no fear. When you are giving your mind, your body, your nerves, your eyes, your ears, everything to look, there is no room for fear, there is no room for contradiction or conflict. There is no comparing or measuring happening then. I then understand that comparison invariable leads to illusion, of measuring oneself against the other, and trying to be like the other person, and hence creating an illusion by denying oneself as he is. Similarly when I identify myself with something greater like a state or ideology, then I understand that all such comparative thinking leads to greater conformity and hence greater conflict.

So I put all this measuring and comparing away, and pay complete attention to look at myself. Then my mind is no longer seeking, asking, questioning or waiting. It doesn’t mean that my mind is satisfied with things as they are – it means my mind has no more illusion or imagination. It moves to a different dimension, in which we find that the pain, pleasure, fear of everyday life and the limited nature of the mind is all completely gone. Then there is enjoyment, real joy, feeling of great bliss which is not thought.

What will open this door is daily awareness and attention. Awareness, without any choice, of what is going on within, as you speak, what you say, how you walk, what you think. It is like cleaning a room to keep it in order but just because you keep the room clean and in order doesn’t mean the window will open. All you desire or interest will not open the window. You cannot invite it to open. All that you can do is keep the room in order. By being virtuous (not according to the different faiths), by being sane, rational, orderly. Then perhaps, if you are lucky, the window will open and the breezes will come in – or maybe they will not. It depends on the state of your mind, and that state of mind can only be understood by yourself, watching it yet never trying to shape it, which means watching it without any choice. Out of this choice-less awareness perhaps the door will open and you will know what that dimension is in which there is no conflict, no time, something you cannot explain through words.

ART

 Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

What place has art for such a mind? Why do we depend so much on music, poetry, etc? Is it a form of escape, a stimulation? What is a painting? You paint something, some like it, some criticize it and if it becomes famous, it fetches a great price. But if you are directly in contact with the sky, the trees, the mountains and the birds, then you don’t need art. If you watch and are with the movement of a bird on the wing, the beauty of every movement of the sky, in the hills, in the shadows or the beauty in the face of another, would you go to a museum to look at art? Maybe you do not know how to look at all the things about you. That is why you go to the museum to look! But if we knew how to look at the face of a passer – by, at a flower by the roadside, a cloud of an evening, to look with complete attention and therefore with complete joy and love, then all these other things would have very little meaning.

MEDITATION

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

Meditation is a loaded word, and there are several schools of meditation, different methods, various systems which will produce attention. They say “watch the movement of your hand” or “pay attention to it, work and watch it, watch it” and so on. Meditation as control, following an idea, looking on an image, taking a phrase and going into it, listening to the word Om or Amen, listening to the sound of it, following it, etc. There is implied an activity of thought, an activity of imitation, a movement of conformity to an established order. According to JD those are not meditation at all. Meditation is to be aware of thought, of feeling, never to correct it, never to say it is right or wrong, never to justify it, but to just watch it and move with it. In that watching and moving with that thought, with that feeling, you beginning to understand and to be aware of the whole nature of thought and feeling. Out of this awareness comes silence, not simulated, not controlled, not put together by thought, for silence put together by thought is stagnant, is dead. Silence comes when thought has understood its own beginning, the nature of itself, how all thought is never free but always old. To see all this, to see the movement of every thought, to understand it, to be aware of it, is to come to that silence which is meditation, in which the ‘observer’ never is.

8. MIND AND THE ORIGIN OF THOUGHT

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

What is the mind? Is it conscious? It thinks, it has the whole background of time, it reacts according to its conditioning, it is the store house of memory. This is what has been told to us. But to really find out what is mind, we need to be in a state of meditation – not meditation according to some system or method. But the meditation of a mind that is free to look, to observe, a mind that is extraordinarily quiet.

When you observe your own mind – is there an observer which can examine? If I were to examine a microphone, to see how it works, I must take it to pieces and see what is inside it. But looking at this whole field of consciousness – which is the mind (brain, nerves, whole store of memories, etc), is there in fact an entity which can look at it, examine it? Is there an entity separate from the thought it examines? And if there is a separate entity, then is that not invented by thought, and therefore part of the mind and not separate at all, hence not able to find out what the mind is? How then is one to find out what the mind is, without that separate entity, the observer?

If I want to know what my mind is, all its reactions, thoughts, motives, pursuits, ideas and dogmas – which are all part of me. When I say to myself, “I must look, find out the origin of thought, the beginning”, then is that “I” separate from the thing it is going to look at, examine, observe, therefore capable of looking objectively. If not, then this “I” who observes this totality of consciousness which we call the mind, is not separate then how is it to find out, or be aware of, this total state which is called the mind.

What is it to be aware? When we are aware of the wind, the sun, the room, the door, is there in that awareness a separate entity which says, “I am aware of these things”? Is all consciousness limited? Is it possible to experience that which is beyond the limitations of the consciousness, and then who is the entity which will experience this?

Is there an observer, who says “I love”? And does that mean love? And when we say love, is there a complete absence of the observer? If the observer is not absent, then that love becomes hate, jealousy, pain anxiety, guilt- all which is not love. It all becomes desire and pleasure.

Coming back to being aware – it is very important to find out what we mean by being attentive. When you look at the blue sky in the morning, seeing the whole depth and height of the sky, when you are aware of all that, do you say – “I am aware” or is there only an awareness of all that, without the observer, though you see it with your eyes. That very seeing, without creating the observer, is to be totally aware.

When you look at your husband or wife, are you aware of the image which you have created about the wife or the husband? Or are you directly aware of her actually, without the observer? This is much more difficult than looking at the sky, river or the tree. Because they do not intimately touch my feelings, my reactions, but when I have lived with somebody for a number of years, I have created an image about that person, and that person has an image about me. Here, when we say there is a center which observes, there is a division and hence a conflict. Where there is conflict, there is no awareness at all. To be free of conflict, one has to become aware and do so without creating another center which is aware of the image that I have created about myself or about another.

So we see that thought has its origin, its beginning, in consciousness in which there is the division between the observer and the observed. How will you find out for yourself, how any thought begins? In order to find out anything, you mind must be quiet! It should be free of all the prejudices, chatters, dialogues, images etc. And then because there is freedom and quiet, in that state there can be observation - the observation of the beginning of thought. If there is awareness of the beginning of thought, then there is no need to control thought.

One can see the beginning of thought, only when there is silence in the mind, not through control, discipline or various forms of meditation but naturally. It is only in silence, that I can discover anything. But this silence cannot be cultivated, it cannot be put together by thought. Because if it is put together by thought, then it is dead, it is stagnation. When thought puts anything together there is always conflict. To understand all this, the mind needs to be extraordinarily alive and alert, it no longer stores up every discovery, and is a light to itself without any experience. It is only when the mind goes beyond this individual and social consciousness that there is a possibility of being a light to oneself which never goes out.

Most of us crave experience, whether going to the moon or drugs, mystical experience, religious experience, sexual experience and the experience of having a great deal of money, power, position, domination etc. We do this because our life is so shallow, so empty, so insufficient. We think that without experiences the mind becomes dull, stupid, heavy. That is why we read books, go to museums, concerts, rituals, churches, entertainment – every form of experience. But we never ask what is involved in this experiencing. Every experience demands recognition, else it is not experience. But to recognize it as an experience, I must have already known. Which means it is not new at all.

So the fundamental truth is that mind is always seeking, craving, searching for wider, deeper experience, but such a mind is shallow because it lives always with its memories, with its recognitions, but what is remembered, recognized is not the new. We all crave experience because the challenge makes us feel alive. If we didn’t have any experiences, we would be asleep. We depend on experiences to keep us awake. But this dependence, like every other dependence, makes our mind dull. Is it possible to be totally and completely awake (not just peripherally at a few points of my being) without these challenges and experiences? There is nothing new in these experiences.  But there is no experiencing in silence and one may wonder how is it possible to act in this world if the mind is really quiet, silent? Is it possible to function in this world with this sense of silence?

We all have certain functions – jobs which demands accumulated information as knowledge. But if my mind is living in this state of silence, can it function in these circumstances. When we ask this question, we are separating silence from action – it is a wrong question. When there is silence in the mind, we can function in our jobs and everything else. It will be like the drum which is highly tuned, and when you strike it, it gives the right note, but it is always empty, silent. It doesn’t say, “I am silent” or “How am I to function in the office”

The same goes for love. When we say “I love you, this, that”, what does it mean? Religious people around the world have divided love into the profane and the sacred and so on. Is love desire? – for most of us love is desire and pleasure – of the experience, of possession, attachment, fulfilment through people and other things like nation, God, religion etc. We call that love and for that love we kill others in jealousy, hatred etc. But is that love? Is possession, domination, dependence, seeking of satisfaction, pleasure, comfort, companionship – all escapes from myself – are these love?

Or does love lie beyond this turmoil of thought. If we say that, then we are worried about our family, our nation- what will happen to them – we must have security. If we ask this question, then we are never outside the consciousness, outside our mind. Only when we are out of our consciousness, our mind is silent and observing, can it understand what love is. Love is when there is no thought, no tomorrow and therefore no time. It easy to listen to this, but to actually go beyond thought, beyond time (time is thought and thought is sorrow) – to go beyond is to be aware that there is a different dimension called love. From there one can act, one can be.

Then one asks, what is beauty? Is the object beautiful or does it lie in the eye of the beholder? Or is beauty when there is no object or observer, but when the observer and the observed have been totally abandoned? This can only be in total austerity, but not the austerity of the priest with its harshness, with its sanctions, rules and obedience. But Austerity means simplicity, not in ideas, clothes or behaviour but being totally simple, which is complete humility. Therefore there is never a climbing – therefore there is never an achievement – therefore there is no ladder to climb. There is only the first step and it is an everlasting step.

7. THOUGHT - THE TIME BETWEEN IDEA AND ACTION

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

When we talk about being serious, we mean serious about everything, from the most trivial things you do to the most profound questions of life. One cannot be casual about anything, because a casual mind is just a frivolous mind flitting from one thing to another, is quick in offering opinions, a mind that flits about from one idea to another, or from one experience to another. Such a mind is not very serious. Such a mind will not only have more and more problems, but also it cannot possible understand the very complex problem of life.

We, each one of us is responsible tremendously for the world all around us - our society, our country, our religion, everything. And what have we built? We have created war, and a society where the most important thing is success, big business and religion where there is no meaning or essence. What are the young to do? Join the army and kill or be killed or train in schools and then spend the next 40 years in wretched little offices? Or join the religions or take up drugs? The education which we received, we are trained to fit into certain grooves, become a cog in this society, do mechanical things. And for all this chaos and misery we are responsible. This confusion and misery, this personal achievement of which we are so very proud is what we call living. This culture we live in where the desire for power, position, prestige, name, success and intermingled with it this peculiar idea of spirituality of find God through mind expanding drugs and so on. This field where there is turmoil, conflict in every form of relationship, hatred, antagonism, and wars – we call living. This is all we know.

We have cultivated escapes from this life though alcohol, religion, literature, music and art. Being incapable of solving this enormous battle of existence, we are naturally frightened of life, and we seek every form of escape. We don’t understand the known like our everyday existence; we do anything to get away from this life of being frightened of living. We are frightened of the unknown too like death, and what lies beyond tomorrow. So we are afraid of the known and the unknown – and this is our daily life.

If we are at all serious we have to face this, not allow ourselves for a single minute to escape from this, from this actual fact of what actually is. To face it one must be extraordinarily fearless because the facing of it involves not only how to observe it but to also look at the question of time.

To understand this misery of life, one has to understand the question of time. By understanding we mean not the intellectual understanding of a concept but an understanding that comes when you give your whole attention to something. I can only give my attention completely when I really care to understand this problem, which means when I really love to understand it and am not frightened. Previous experience, knowledge prevents you from looking and listening and paying attention. If you hurt me, then if I look at you with that memory, then I don’t see you. I look at you from the image I built about you when you hurt me. This image, which is memory, idea, is looking at you; therefore I am not looking or listening to what you are saying at all. I am listening to my own whispers of my image about you, so one can look only when there is freshness, an innocence, and freedom to look. Once this is understood, we can look at time.

By time we do not mean the time of the watch. We mean the time in which there is the interval between idea and action. We have ideas like being communists or capitalists or religious. The “idea” is to protect ourselves; it is the idea of being secure. But action is always immediate, it is not in the past or in future – action means to act, is must be always in the present. And action is so dangerous, so uncertain that we make it conform to an idea which will give us a certain satisfaction, pleasure, safety – and this leads to conflict. It is like this – I have an idea of what is right or what is wrong, or an ideological concept about myself or about society and according to that idea I act. Therefore the action is in conformity with the idea, hence there is conflict. There is the idea, then the interval and the action, and that interval is time.

We need to ask if time can come to an end – which means can conflict come to an end, not gradually but immediately. If conflict ends gradually, then it is the idea of conflict coming to an end, not the real conflict. Again there is an interval between the idea of ending conflict and the action. This time which is the interval between idea and action is thought. When you think you will be happy tomorrow, then you have an image of yourself achieving a result of being happy tomorrow. It is thought, through desire and the continuity of that desire, as pleasure, sustained by thought, which says “tomorrow you will be happy”. So thought creates that interval of time.

How can we put a stop to time? Time is sorrow, because thought thinks over and over again about desires and pleasure; it creates further desire for pleasure and breeds not only sorrow, but also gives continuity as time. As long as there is this interval of time bred by thought, there must be sorrow, there must be continuity of fear. You understand that if we try to answer this question of when will it end, we have created an idea of ending time or thought and therefore we again have that idea, and the interval and we are caught again.

It is really extraordinary to watch the operation of one’s own thinking, just to observe that reaction which one calls thinking. It springs from memory. But is there a beginning to thought? To us thought is very important, the more clever, cunning, subtle, the more you can express it – the ideas, intellectual or otherwise which fills books, which we worship. So we are looking at - can the mind be made fresh, new and innocent, so that it can look at this existence and bring about a different world altogether?

We have separated action from idea, and to us ideas are far more important than action. But ideas are always of the past, and action is always of the present. We are frightened of that living present, so that past as ideas becomes very important. Just like death.

We are frightened of death, ill health, old age, disease and pain. So you see how thought creates fear? We are frightened of life and we are frightened of death, the known and the unknown, and that fear is bred by thought. So we think about death, we think about it and by thinking about it we are creating that interval between living and that which we call death. By thinking about our possessions and everything which matters to us, we are creating an interval between what we think as an idea, and the actual fact. Even when you say “I won’t think about it”, you have already thought it.

So thought breeds, through time - not only the fear of living but the fear of death and because death is something you don’t know, thought says “let’s postpone it, avoid it, keep it as far away as possible”. You have thought out how to avoid it and use many escapes – churches, gods, saviours, and the idea that there is a permanent, eternal self in yourself which is endless. But because thought thinks about it, it is not real. Thought has created the idea of an eternal self – Soul, Atman - in order to find safety, hope.

So the problem arises of how to go beyond this so called living and the thing called death, is there an actual separation between the two? To live intensely is to die to everything of yesterday – all the pleasure, the judgements, opinions, knowledge, achievements etc. To die to that brings an intensity, brings about a state of mind in which the past has ceased and the future, as death, has come to an end. So the living – you cannot live if you do not die. But most of us are frightened because we want surety, because we want to continue the misery which we have known, the disease, the pain, the pleasure, the anxiety. Because we avoid, push away death (thought pushes away death) there is fear of the known and the fear of the unknown. When there is no interval between death and the living, then you know what it means to die, to die everyday to everything that one has. Then the mind becomes extraordinarily fresh, eager, attentive and innocent. When one dies to thousand yesterdays, then living is dying.

It is only in that state of time comes to an end and thought functions only where it is needed and not at any other level or at any other demand.

6. LEARNING

 Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

What is learning and how do we learn? Do we learn from experience? Do we learn from accumulation of knowledge? Look at the number of wars there has been in the history since being recorded. Have we learned from these experiences that war is not good and it should stop? Or is learning a matter of time? But in all these thousands of years, we have not learnt that war – the organized killing of another is appalling! So time and accumulation of knowledge has definitely not taught us. Then what will teach us?

What is learning and how do we learn? We need to understand humility when we talk about learning. If I want to learn something, then my mind must not have reached any conclusion about it, it must not have any opinion or previous knowledge. It is an the innocent mind that can enquire into the question of humility. By innocence we mean ‘not knowing’ and such a mind is capable of a great deal of freedom. So it is obvious that learning has nothing to do with accumulation of knowledge or experience or tradition and it only a mind that is free that can be in a state of humility – only such a mind can learn. So when we begin to understand what humility is – where the mind is not cluttered up with opinion, judgements, knowledge, then there is a state in which we are capable of learning. And such a mind can begin to approach the complex problem of fear.

So is learning a matter of time? Can humility be acquired gradually? Can it be cultivated? Humility is freedom. The moment humility is cultivated or gathered it ceases to be humility. It is a matter of instant perception. But when you make humility an idea – it stops that instant perception.

What is idea? You hear that it is only a clear, innocent mind that can learn, and you want to learn about fear. It has already become an idea – you want to be free from fear, and you hear that you must learn about it and one can only learn if your mind is very clear, simple – this structure has already become an organized thought – an idea. From that idea you hope to learn, but you are not learning at all, you are merely carrying an idea into action. And between idea and action there is conflict. You do not instantly see the truth of learning, the truth of humility. Seeing instantly is the action. Let us look at this in different ways.

Why do we have ideas and opinions at all? By ideas – we mean psychological ideas, not technical ones! Why do we form an image (an image being an idea)? Why does thought function through ideas – ideas of nationality, ideas of right and wrong, ideas of killing and of God, family, non family, etc. We have ideas – why? Are ideas a means of self protection, a resistance to any form of change, to any form of movement, to life? Do ideas bring about clarity of action? OR are these ideas always the past – is not past always acting in the present and continuing in the future? I learn a trade, then I proceed to apply what I have learnt. And then that which I have learnt and according to which I act, becomes mechanical, repeated over and over again. That gives me a sense of security, in which there is no disturbance. I can add more to it, but it will always be mechanical.

Do we learn ideas, conclusions and having learnt them, apply them in action? And is there idea separate from action at the moment when you are acting? All ideas are always in the past, therefore, when I am functioning according to ideas, I am living in the past, therefore I am dead (discussed in earlier post – past is dead).

Learning requires sensitivity, and there is no sensitivity if there is an idea, which is of the past, dominating the present. Only a sensitive mind can learn, and sensitivity is denied when there is domination of an idea. Because the ideas, the mind is not quick, not pliable, not alert – hence learning cannot happen. So learning implies not only humility and sensitivity, but also a state of mind which is not achieving. The moment you achieve you cease to have that quality of innocence and humility. There can be such a mind which is sensitive – both physically and psychologically, sensitive to all the implications of life.

Let us go back to understand fear. Learning about fear is also to learn about sorrow and pleasure. To understand sorrow, we need to understand passion. Most of us are consciously or otherwise in sorrow of some kind or another. We are sorrowful human beings who have not a moment of bliss uncontaminated by thought, not a moment of real deep enjoyment untouched by any thought or memory. We are a battlefield from the moment we are born until we die. There is never order, never peace, never a sense of tranquillity and bliss. All this is sorrow and conflict.

Let us understand passion, to help us understand sorrow. Love is not desire or pleasure. Because from previous discussions we see that desire – becomes pleasure through thinking about something which has given you pleasure, enjoyment and you think about it more and more – that thought is not love. Thinking about you, whom I love is not love – it is pleasure that I have derived from you being sustained by thought. I think about you, and the moment thought enters, love goes away. What we know about love, as desire, pleasure and passion has nothing to do with the passion which we are talking about – a passion which is not the product of thought.

An example of a passion which is product of thought – If I become passionate about you or an idea, it has stimulation in it, it has motive in it, the motive being “I am going to derive pleasure”, or it might lead us to sorrow. But real passion implies that - thought and idea - have been totally abandoned. And when there is that passion, that intensity, that drive – which is always in the present, not tomorrow or yesterday – then we can come upon this question of sorrow and see whether it can ever end.

Is it possible to completely end sorrow? The sorrow of loneliness, of death, of not having love or being loved, not being able to fulfil, not being a great man, all the quantities of sorrows we accumulate through life. Is it possible to be free of the sorrows that we accumulate through life? It is possible only when there is that passion to find out about myself. Not according to someone else, like Freud, Jung, psychologists and all. I must have that passion to find out about myself without any moment of accumulation from which I learn. Myself is a constant movement, of yesterday through to today and tomorrow, a single movement, endless. If my mind is free from all previous conclusions, then I can learn about myself like that. To see that on the instant, to see this whole movement, we need passion. When you listen to the thunder without any idea or thought, then there is not space between that thunder and you. See the complete, total movement of life as yourself, on the instant – and for that you must have passion. There is no passion when there is fear, you do not have passion when there is love (desire or pleasure).

On a different note :- Comparison - when you compare what takes place? You have an idea that you are dull, and you have an idea that somebody else is very intelligent. The two images, the one about yourself and the image about another are in competition. Can you observe yourself as being dull without comparison? Or do you know only through comparison? Do you know that you are hungry, because you were hungry yesterday or because you are actually hungry? You know through comparison and you don’t really know or do you know because it is so? This is a very important question because throughout life, from childhood, from school until we die, we are taught to compare ourselves with another – but when I do that I am destroying myself. When in school one boy is compared with another, what is happening? You are destroying that child. Can we live without comparison with anybody this means there is no inferior or superior. You are actually what you are and to understand what you are, to look at yourself and to see actually what you are, this process of comparison must come to an end. I only compare in order to gain, in order to achieve, in order to become – but when I don’t compare, I am beginning to understand what I am. Beginning to understand what I am is far more fascinating , far more interesting, it goes beyond all this stupid comparison.

5. OBSERVER AND THE OBSERVED

Continuing on the summarizing through excerpts from “Talks and Dialogues” JD Krishnamurti.

We are serious about things which give us pleasure and satisfaction. But very few are serious in seeing the whole problem of existence, conflicts and suffering. To be serious about these issues means continual attention to these matters, not just sporadic interest, according to our requirement or convenience. If we are not serious about these issues, then we fritter away our life discussing endlessly things that really don’t matter, which is a waste of energy. The more one is serious inwardly, the more they are mature. Maturity is not a matter of age, or great experiences, or knowledge. This maturity comes only when there is wider and deeper knowing of oneself.

As discussed in the previous posts, in order to resolve fear, we have to look at fear completely, without any fragmentation. We are so afraid of so many things, and we may wish that we could solve each fear by itself, one by one. But that is immature, because there is only fear. But can we look at fear? Most of us run away from it or suppress it or control it or look at other forms of escape. We do not know how to live with the fear. Can we look at it without looking for escape, justification or suppression?

So what does this looking mean? I can only look at fear without doing anything to that fear, when I have a quite mind, when my mind is not chattering to itself, carrying a dialogue with itself. Only then can we look at fear completely. One can observe a tree or cloud with a fairly quite mind because it is something not very important to us. But when we have to look at fear, despair, when we are directly in contact with loneliness, with jealousy, with such ugly state of mind, can we still do it?

It is only with a quite mind, we can look at fear completely, observe it, know and understand it, its movement, everything. This is what JD means by living with fear. Have we every tried living with something or someone like that? Observing everything. It is possible only when our mind is free from all opinions, judgements and values, conclusions or formula. For that the mind needs to be so alive and subtle.

So once we observe fear and live with it, we will ask – who is that entity who is living with the fear. Who is observing? Is it a dead entity ? (a static being who has accumulated a lot of knowledge and information about himself, but all this experience and knowledge is the past, and the past is a dead thing) Is the observer a static dead past or a living thing? Are we a dead thing watching a living thing (fear) or a living thing watching a living thing? In the observer the two states exists – when we observe a tree closely, everything about the tree, how it lives, moves, feels – it is a living thing. But when we look at it with accumulated knowledge about that tree, and the knowledge is a dead thing. But when we look at it without any accumulated knowledge, then we (a living thing) is looking at a living thing (the tree).

Another example – When I look at my friend, am I observing with the memories of yesterday? Are you aware that yesterday is contaminating the present? OR are you observing as though there was no yesterday at all? The past is always overshadowing the present. The pleasures, flatteries, insults, memories of yesterday touches the present and give it a twist. The observer is both the past and the present. Anything of past is already dead. So the observer is both alive and dead and this is how he looks.

When the observer can go beyond, so that he is neither the past nor the present. Then the observer is the observed which is a living thing. This is real meditation. It is because the observer lives in the past and the present which is touched by the past, that there is division between the observer and the observed.

Observer being the observed doesn’t mean identification with the observed. For example, a painter could sit in front of a tree for days, months or years, until he was the tree. He did not actually become the tree, or identified with it, but he was the tree. There was no space between the painter and the tree, no space between the observer and observed. He was totally the tree, and only in that state could he paint. If we can understand this, we would forever be free from fear and only then we will know what love is.

We must understand the observer and not the observed, because it is of little value. Fear itself is of little value. What is of value is how we look at it, what we do or do not do with fear. As we watch the observer, which is ourself, we see that we are made of the past. Memories, hopes, guilt, knowledge are all of the past. When we say ‘we know’ it means what we knew yesterday, not right now. We are the past, living in the present which is overshadowed by the past.

When the state of mind is such, the observer has no space between himself and the thing observed, in which the past is no longer interfering at any time, only then the observer is the observed, and only then that fear comes totally to an end.

As long as there is fear, there is no love. What is love? Sex, belonging to somebody, being nourished? But in these there is always anxiety, fear, jealousy, guilt. There is so much conflict, there cannot be love. Love has nothing to do with pleasure or desire. Pleasure goes with fear, and a mind which lives in fear seeks pleasure. Pleasure increases fear, so one is caught in a vicious circle. By being aware of the circle, by watching it, living with it, never trying to find a way out of it (the cycle is broken not because you are doing something about it), you will break that cycle.