HOW I LEARNT THAT I AM NOT SPECIAL

As long as I remember back, I believed that “I am unique and special. I am so intelligent, smart, polite, well read and the nicest person I ever knew.” I collected evidences to prove this to myself.  I got the best grades in my class at school, I was the school captain and all the teachers I liked, liked me back. It was only a few years later I understood that best in class meant nothing in a small sample size, 'school captain' happened due to a lot of campaigning by peers as they liked none of the other nominees and teachers had a soft corner for almost everyone in the class, as they saw them grow up over the years. But this experience was unnerving, and laid its first brick of doubt in my mind. Maybe I am a little less special than I thought.

Then this happened several times over the years. I thought I was the righteous one in grad school, taking on the role of class representative as a self sacrifice. Years later, I understood that the self sacrifice part was not required at all and no wonder my classmates were not obliged or falling over my feet in gratefulness because they never asked me to do those things. It was all me. Being in that role was the only thing which differentiated me from the others and made me special. But, a few more leadership roles, years and several grey hairs later, wisdom took my hand and lead me to the mirror of truth. There is absolutely nothing special about me.  

Seeing the truth was brutal (especially for my ego) and .......extremely liberating. Believing myself special in some way always felt heavy, felt like a great responsibility. Felt that I should do 'big, amazing things' in life, what with all my gifts! This kind of thinking was a problem, when I was choosing my education, career or life partner! It led to confusion and being non committal. Basically the question - what the hell should I be doing or pursing in order to do these 'big amazing things' - riddled me a long time? And this 'big, amazing things' thought also troubled me deeply in later stages when all I wanted was to live a simple, quiet, satisfied life.

It took me some time to accept my non – specialness and soon I realised how much lighter it feels without lugging my ego everywhere I go or in whatever I think. It also released me of any entitlement I felt. Yes, the entitlement that we feel we all deserve, to have the things we want, whether we worked for it or not. We are all pretty average people after all. Maybe, just maybe, some of us are a little exceptional in one thing, but in the rest of the things we are average or maybe below others. That is a bitter pill to swallow. But think of this – we are afraid to accept our mediocrity and non-specialness because we believe that if we accept it, we will never achieve anything, never improve and that our life won’t matter. That is exactly what is wrong. If we consider our life worthwhile only if we do 'big amazing things', then most of humanity is worthless because they are not doing anything like that. They are just surviving.

Life has been pretty simple and easy over the last few years since I have understood my position in the bell curve. I am free of anxiety and pressure to prove myself. Ego is a bad loser and many a times tries to come back and raise the dust storm, clouding my vision. But that’s the thing about seeing the truth. Once you see it, you cannot un see it. No matter the storm!

P.S. 1 - Anyone who has become great and exceptional have become so by believing that they are not special, by believing that they should keep trying, keep improving, remain committed to their art/work.

P.S. 2 – I am reading Mark Manson’s book and though I didn’t like the beginning, the second half of the book is quite good. Point is, that I am writing this post highly influenced by what I read there.

P.S. 3 - I might still go on to do 'big, amazing things' but then consider it a side effect of losing the pressure of proving myself. 

P.S. 3 – I should make an acronym for ‘ big, amazing things’ and take a copywright license or something. 

THE DIVINER

So I am the official things ‘diviner’ of the house. My children and husband were always losing things in the house, and could never find them. I taught them how to search – “use your hands, not just your eyes to look for your things. Lift up the dump of clothes on the bed and look under. Remove the pile of books and stationary on the table and check for your thing”, I say. But to no avail. They just could never find them. And then I would have to go to their rescue. I challenged them that it wouldn’t take me more than 2 minutes to find the thing which they have been looking for since morning. Could you guess what my average time for finding those lost things – it takes me less than a minute!! Every single time!! They even timed me with a clock timer to check. When I hand them over their lost thing, they look at me in wonder. “Mama, you have got magic!” - their refrain.

I know I don’t have any magic. I believe that I would be able to find it. I believe in it very strongly, of course, ruled by logic. A non living thing cannot suddenly grow legs and leave the house. It has to be there somewhere. We are just not trying hard enough.  This belief is lacking in my kids and husband. I tried to instil this confidence and belief in them many times. But it was easier for them to ask for my help, knowing that I would find it within seconds, than taking the bother to develop the belief in themselves and search for their stuff.

So inspired by a reel I saw in Instagram the other day, I took a radical decision. I was going to charge my husband and children money for looking for their ‘unfindable’ things. Once I told my decision to them, there were loud protests and disbelief in their eyes. I cannot do that – they said. I didn’t budge. The first thing I had to look for was my husband’s credit card. It was a very important thing to look for, so I charged double. And I collected my payment in advance, before looking. That was my trust in my own ability to find lost things. What do you think happened? OF course, I found the credit card within the stipulated time. Of course I charged my children too for their first lost thing of the day. Can you guess what happened next?

That was the last thing I had to ever look for over the past couple of months. They never asked me again to look for their things. They found it very frustrating to search for their stuff, but it was more frustrating to give me their hard earned pocket money. Earlier they would make me do their work for them for free, and now I charged them for it . I went on to live happily ever after in peace!

Moral of the story in case it was lost in my narration – Believe in yourself – that you can do it, And charge your family for making use of your brain instead of theirs!

FAMILY'S WEATHER VANE

The mother in the family is the person who decides the tone, the mood of the entire family. If she is happy, everyone is happy. If she is serious, it is very difficult for the rest of the family to be happy and cheerful! I wonder why?

I saw it in my house in my childhood. My mother was very serious and industrious. There was always a lot of work, and she never found the time to relax or ‘just chill’ with us. There was always something to do around the house. If there was nothing, she could hunt out a chore with the speed at which a mouse can find cheese! There were very few moments of joy or fun. And when they were there, it felt as if it was a gift! Something unique and special. The atmosphere at our house was quiet, with a tension hanging in the air. I remember all the times I pretended to study to avoid doing the never ending list of chores.

I observed the same with my mother in law. Just as work defined my mother, fear defines my mother in law. She is a unique combination of fear and positivity, which made her a defiant devotee. A huge part of her life is determined by religious rituals and auspicious dates and times and it is bound to trickle or rather pour down on the family. This ensured that free moments were spent in either planning or executing some rituals/traditions or visits to temples.

Now I define the mood in my family. The girls and husband get to have fun only if I am in a good mood. I try my best to not have this kind of influence on them. But it seems impossible. If I am low, everyone is so quiet. My girls would tiptoe around me or try to cheer me up in ways they know. My husband would make my favourite dish or crack dad jokes to cheer me up. I wish they would leave me alone, and not spoil their day. When I am pissed, everyone gets a dose of my sarcasm – no exceptions. It sends everyone running around clearing up surfaces or throws them into their own temper tantrums. And if I am cheerful, the house is filled with noise, laughter, excitement and music.

I never knew that we play such an important rule. This is raw power in the hands of the woman/mother of the family. A power which we should use with discretion and ensure the kind of memories our family would hold close to its heart. Will keep that in mind.