WANTING MORE AND MORE ON IT

No matter how many resolutions and projects I make, inspirational books and movies I see or the countless self help books and articles I read – deep inside I have not changed at all. Let me correct myself – I haven't changed even on the superficial level. To be clear: change here means – self improvement. I always want to be better than I already am. What kind of better would you ask – why? It’s the same as everybody wishes – I want to be happier, more calm and peaceful, less angry, more smart and efficient, more creative, be better at my work, make full use of potentials, opportunities and situations, be a better wife, mother, daughter, be of more use to the world, etc. This list is endless.

Anyway, here we have me – always wanting more of everything; mostly from myself, and here is the endless material available in the world in the from of books, talks and coaches on how to reach there, i.e., get more out of yourself. Sounds good right? Problem followed by the solution. Unfortunately none of them have helped me so far. I have followed the suggestions and advises from these resources to the T but they are not helping at all. I am still unsatisfied with myself. All the time.

I kept pondering over this for a long time. After a lot of epiphanies and realizations over time (during which I came up with several plans, projects and strategies) I began to feel like an onion. I peel off a layer thinking – finally I have figured out what is wrong with me or the world and now I can correct that thing. But soon that euphoria dies down and I realize there is another layer below. This has happened several times, and frankly by now I am quite confused between each layers – I mean the realizations and learning are quite mixed up in my head. Putting all this aside, this peeing of layers – maybe that is what is called the process of developing wisdom. While I cannot claim to having any of it, maybe, I am in the process.

Wise or not, this onion idea is hardly going to help me with my problem. But one fine day, a simple thought dawned on me. Ok, I should be frank. The idea didn’t just dawn on me, but I rather read about it in a book – ONE STRAW REVOLUTION. Anyways here it is – maybe my problem is the problem. I mean, my need for more – from myself and the world- that is the problem. Why do I want more of everything? What is wrong with what I have? The fact is that I have a lot – family, friends, security, love, time and health. Then why want more? What will I get when I have more? If I have learnt anything from the past – I will still be me after I get the “more”. Would I be happier if I am more smart, efficient or have more time? Why – even now I have more of these things than 10 years ago. But am I happier than I was 10 years ago? I don’t think so. Then why not be happy just with what I have. Right now, right here. Bang – here I feel is the solution to my issue.

In wanting more and obsessing about it I am losing the only thing I really have – my present. By removing this “wanting more” clause from my head, I can learn to be happy with myself and things NOW. Not in the future when I will have the “more” but now.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still for self improvement and development and all that. What I am talking about here is separating the happiness quotient from it. Becoming better should be a natural result of doing what you do well, it shouldn’t be an obsession. It shouldn't be a condition on which your well being depends. Simply put do what you do – well – and you will be happy. Any better you get, is additional bonus.

Actually – this is just a part of the whole picture. Not “wanting more” alone is not enough. There is the necessary removal of all unwanted things, focusing the on the true essentials and living with less – less materials, less thoughts, less distractions and less projects. Do less, but do whatever you do well. More on the whole picture in later posts.

A last word – I wonder if is this realization too a layer of the onion that is me?