I attended a friend’s wedding, years ago. In addition to me, she had 3 other friends attending the event. But the groom had 100 friends there! I was awestruck. I didn't even know a hundred people in my life - a tiny fraction of them being such good friends that they turn up at my wedding!
Okay! enough about weddings. But we have all seen such people. People who make friends easily and have so many they could just call and get together anytime and anyplace. People who are at ease among others and not awkward or weird. They do seem to have boundaries or trust issues. They do not need ‘me time’ or ‘alone time’. They don’t mind going off somewhere in the middle of the day or night if their friends call them. They like to be out and with people and generally are fun and seem to be having a great time.
Then there are people like me. The opposite. We like being alone. We like to think. We are serious. We are introverts and like being quiet. However, we also keep away from people because of all the above. We do not completely trust others, because they are either like us (hence not completely open) or opposite to us (hence will not understand us). So we don’t make friends that much or that easily. We need our alone time, time to introspect, unwind, calm down and process our feelings and thoughts. But this time is also time away from other people!
The result of this is that people like me become isolated. Usually we don't mind that. We are called loners for a reason. Being with ourselves is great - when things are going great. However life isn't always the same. Sometimes, we are sick, or lonely or need help. All of which requires people. And then we have nobody. No one to call and talk about how crazy the week has been. No one who can come help us pick furniture for the house because we have no idea about home decor. No one to drive us to the hospital when we are sick and can't think straight.
People like me don't invest in building relationships. It takes too much effort, time and energy out of me. I would rather write this article than make that long overdue call to my friend. Result? People move away. No wonder we don't have many friends. But what we don't realise is that we have to spend time and effort with people on our good days - when we don't need them, in order for them to be there during our bad days. Well that really doesn't guarantee that they will be there when you need them. That is where the numbers matter. Have so many people in your life that someone will be there when you need them.
I agree, that is a very depressing view or reason to have relationships. I mean, we are putting away precious hours of good days just to insure against bad days, and we never even know if the insurance pays. But isn't that what we do with money? or health? We put away a sizable chunk of money to be invested so that we have more later, especially when we need it. Are not all investments subject to some amount of risk? We sweat and spend hours in the gym and working out so that our knees and back continue to support us for as long as we are alive! But we never know if we are going to live that long! In every aspect of life we invest today in order to reap better benefits later on. So why can't we think similarly in terms of relationships?
Please don’t go all virtuous on me, and say that relationships are not like money and should be treated as sacrosanct and not transactional. We all know that relationships are nothing but transactional. We give something to get something. Many continue to give without getting anything back because what they get out of the relationship is covert. So now that we are clear that people like me need relationships and friendships, we should invest regularly in them. It would mean making the calls, checking up on them, providing help if and when required, spending some time together, making plans with them and mostly getting out of my comfort zone. We have to give family and friends something which they want - our time and interest. When they make plans - join them. When they have an event or win - celebrate with them. When they are crying or cribbing - console them. We know the list.
There is one major caveat to this whole thing. All the above is only possible - we can give our time and interest to relationships - only when we like other people. Genuinely, like people. That would require us to get off our pedestal and see people with empathy and not judgement. This is no easy feat for anyone, but then we cannot really fake through our relationships at all. It doesn't work that way. Relationships might be transactional but they are genuine and real. At no point am I suggesting anyone to FAKE relationships!
Disclaimer - I am not suggesting introverts like me force myself to become extroverts and just go around tagging people on instagram. But rather, have a balance, and really spend time with a few close friends and family and be there for them. Because we need them.
Disclaimer 2 : I could be completely and utterly wrong with this approach. But this is an experiment. Worth a try!
